Life on the Edge of Death
Oct 14th, 2006 at 11:18 am by Susie
“He codes 90-year-olds,” the nurse said.
“And he doesn’t believe in morphine,” another chimed in.
“What do you mean, he doesn’t ‘believe’ in it?” I said.
“Well, let’s put it this way: It’s the very last thing he’ll try,” she said.
They were talking about my father’s doctor, a pro-life activist. I was already pissed off at him because, from what I gathered, he talked my parents out of hospice care. “If you want my opinion, they’re a little too free with the morphine,” he told them.
I couldn’t understand his dismissal (well, actually, yes I could - I was just hoping I was wrong), since everyone I know who’d used hospice care spoke in such glowing terms - almost like the calvary coming to the rescue.
“You know that scene in ‘Terms of Endearment’?” I said to the nurses. “My father’s left in pain for even one minute, and I’ll make that look like a tea party.”
“I love that scene,” one of the nurses said, giggling. ” ‘Give my daughter the shot!’ ”
The last thing my dad would want is to be Terri Schiavo, but like most people, he never bothered writing down the details. So I finally cornered his doctor in the hallway and peppered him with questions. (I didn’t get the feeling that he was actually listening to me; he seemed more intent on winning some imaginary debate.)
He told me my father did have a “Do Not Resuscitate” order (which, of course, I’ll verify with the nurses’ desk) but I have to say, my worst fears were confirmed. I got the distinct impression that he has his own agenda and will simply do whatever he wants. (Which, I think, included a mumbled aside about a feeding tube, which my mother says my father absolutely doesn’t want. And of course, said insertion would put my mother in the moral position of ordering it to be taken out. Catholic checkmate!)
How weird is this, to be defending your dying father against someone who thinks he’s God’s messenger? I will never understand this. For my father, life is almost over. He will soon (as the spirituals put it), be going home. Who is this self-important, self-appointed savior in a suit to be making those decisions for my parents, when they’re old and in such a vulnerable situation?
I know a lot of you don’t believe in a God, but I do. And I believe my father’s soul will live on. I don’t understand this non-Christian “Christian” position of keeping the body alive at all costs when the soul is the important thing.
I would give anything for one more normal conversation, one ordinary moment more with my father. I don’t want him to die any sooner than he has to. But that doesn’t include turning him into a science experiment so that we can hang on to his empty shell. I want to help him go home, where so many loved ones - parents, siblings, my baby brother - are already waiting for him.
Mindy Smith wrote this for her dying mother, and it’s just how I feel right now:
powerful. just powerful.
can you change the doctor? If not, keep an eye on that weasel and let him know that if any detour from what your family wants is going to mean a malpractice lawsuit.
I’m sorry to hear this - you’re not wrong, and any doctor who worries about hospices being “too free” with morphine is a callous idiot.
This doctor isn’t alone in this weird attitude toward pain and drugs (my father in law gently bounced a doctor off a wall to ensure his mother was properly medicated), but hopefully you can help straighten it out or move him into hospice.
Best wishes in this difficult time.
A sad and infuriating story.
Isn’t there a way to replace this authoritarian
doctor with someone better?
Coincidentally, I just saw a stage production of
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest last night.
Tyrannical health care providers are nothing new.
Hospice was a boon when my mom was dying of pancreatic cancer. And morphine is a blessing. How “free” can one be with something that stops the pain? What does that mean except a Calvinist attitude that pain is a good thing? It certainly cannot be a concern about addiction in a terminally ill patient. Especially to a believer, the idea that one’s soul is going to a good place and away from pain is to truly be charitable towards your impending loss. It is better for your dad, tho worse for you to lose him. If he is no longer able to maintain a normal conversation, either because of his illness or the pain meds, there is dubious virtue in keeping the husk of his body alive. My siblings and Dad had the same sorts of agonizing discussions about my mom during her final days. My sympathies are with you in this difficult time for you.
Hospice is amazing and hospice nurses are just beyond description. They make problems go away, they get the patient what they need, when they need it, they answer every question. Work on your mother. You will never regret it and neither will she. My mother-in-law had hospice care for just a few days but the nurse came into the assisted living home and got her a hospital bed (that day), morphine(that day) and made sure we had the guidance we needed. She contacted the Red Cross so my husband could get emergency leave from the military. Oh, I could go on and on and on. The hospice intake nurse told us she had to wait more than two years for a position to open up. It is one of the last true opportunities for nurses to “nurse”.
Your father’s doctor is obscene! Sorry, but I have no patience for people who insist that other people suffer.
I’m not sure what “comments awaiting moderation” means, but you must be strong for your mother. As I said, I had to do it 21 years ago, and hubby just did it for his father and dying mom. We are now also trying to take care of hubby’s aging aunt (his mother’s twin) whose health is failing rapidly. So we have some experience with this.
After my father’s death, my mother said she would never want to be kept alive like that (this was pre-Cruzon, etc.), that when it was her time she wanted to go peacefully and naturally and not be a vegetable (her mother lived bedridden and paralyzed for 3 years after a massive stroke, so she had been thru this too in her time). All are Catholic.
Yes, I get worked up about this, but it is our loved ones they are torturing. Especially the suvivors. They do not honor any God.
Google feeding tubes. The nurses who deal with this know they are horrible. They prolong death. When your body is ready to die, your processes like digestion slow and cease, and you just pump food into a body that cannot process it and it rots. I’m sorry to be so graphic, but this is what happens.
I now care for my 93 year old mother in the late stages (6d)of Alzheimer’s (the one who was near stroke/heart attack 21 years ago December so stressed over my dying dad being shoked back to life every hour after he had a massive heart attack, was in a coma, all after 3 weeks in the hospital with end stage diabetes, 2 legs that would have to amputated for him to survive (and he could not survive the surgery), a breathing tube as he had been in lung failure for 3 weeks, and also in kidney failure. He never wanted that. He just was ready to die and told me so a month earlier.
I change my Mom’s diapers (she has both fecal and urinary incontinence), answer the only 4 questions she ever asks and the only 4 things she still knows about, over and over and over. She still recognizes me or at least smiles and knows I love her, does but not know my siblings, has forgotten my father, her life, etc. BUT, she is otherwise healthy (for 93), is happy, smiles, still likes to eat, can get around with a walker (somewhat) and has some quality of life. And I love still holding her hand and being with her and I cherish every day I still have with her.
However, if she becomes a bed ridden and losses all cognition, or becomes sick and her body says no more, then I will let her go peacefully thru hospice, as painful as it will be to lose my best friend and mother, knowing that this is the human experience and I have honored her wishes. And I will yell and scream and fight anyone who tries to stop that, because she taught me not only compassion, but that you must be firm and strong to protect those who cannot protect themselves.
I’m sorry.
My father died a year ago May. Fortunately, the doctors at his hospital honored his wishes–he had both a DNR and a Living Will, and the doctors had also been my mother’s students in high school.
My mother and I sat with him through the end.
Not, it was not easy, but it was good that we did.
I wish you, and your father, the same release.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.
My mom passed away two years ago from lung cancer. She went downhill very quickly, and a feeding tube wasn’t an option because her esophagus had a hole in it, and she was too far gone. From what I learned later, a feeding tube would not have been the best option anyways–it just would have prolonged her suffering.
I guess in way we were fortunate because the hospitals out here in California kick you out as soon as they can, and hospice was the only alternative. They were wonderful! My mom had anti-anxiety medicine and morphine, and the nurses did everything they could to make her comfortable.
She did have a power of attorney for health decisions, but no one on staff asked to see it. They took my word. A big help for me was my friend who’s a nurse and has a strong, assertive personality. She was able to be my advocate when I was falling apart. Maybe you could have a friend of the family talk to your mom about hospice care for your dad?
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Amen to you Susie! I went through a similar situation 4.5 yrs ago, where I had to fight to allow my father to die with dignity. He did not have a DNR and my stepmother stubbornly clung to the idea he would pull through. Hardest thing I had to ever do. But I don’t regret doing it.
Get your mother to re-consider hospice. My Father passed in December, the hospice program made his final days bearable, and allowed him to die with dignity.
Do not allow that asshat to put in a feeding tube!
This is am awful situation — not only do you have to fight for your father, which will likely involve a number of unpleasant scenes with his doctor, but you have to help your mother and also have to deal with your own feelings of grief.
You need support and friendly advice and someone to talk to about all of the decisions you will have to make — perhaps the hospital social worker would be a resource for you, or maybe there is a grief counsellor or a personal counsellor you can talk to.
I hope this helps.
Don’t be afraid to transfer or move your dad “Against Medical Advice”. You will almost certainly have to do so with the doctor you describe. If you can find hospice care, at home or in an institution, you might want to move him as soon as possible, and get a different doctor.
Don’t be in the least bit concerned about what the doctor thinks of you. If he was any good you wouldn’t be talking about him the way you are. Good or bad, doctors are so accustomed to doing exactly what they want that there is no hope of changing how they behave.
Incidentally, 95% of what the “social worker” does is to make sure the hospital gets paid. Try telling the social worker that nobody is going to pay for any more care at that hospital. I’ll bet she’ll help you find a hospice then!
Good luck with all of that.