I know a lot of you are pretty skeptical about this whole astrology thing, and that’s fine - I’m not going to make you read this. And if (with your skepticism intact) you do decide to read it, it is unlikely that it will turn you into any sort of raving new-age lunatic.

But look: there are about three times a year that the phone calls from my non-astro friends start pouring in, and all of them are within the first few days of Mercury going retrograde. They go something like this:

Friend: “Hey, I was wondering, are you still into, you know, (whispers) astrology?”

Me: “Why, what’s going on?”

Friend: “Oh, I dunno, it just seems like everyone’s gone off the deep end lately! My [boss/partner/child/pet/toll taker] is acting like a lunatic, nothing’s going right, I hate my hair, and I am about ready to go postal.”

Me: “Well, Mercury is retrograde, that might have something to do with it.”

Friend: “Again? It seems like that thing is always retrograde!”

Me: “Only about three weeks three to four times a year. You just don’t notice it the rest of the time - you know how you only really appreciate something when it’s broken?”

Friend: (sighs) “Yeah, I know.”

Me: “It’s going to be fine. Remember to breathe, triple check everything, allow plenty of extra time, and make sure it’s broken before you try to fix it. Oh, and it’s actually a good time to finish up old stuff.”

You’d think they’d get it after about half a dozen of these phone calls, but here we are again (only this time I got a text message, too). Unfortunately for my friends, this is for some reason my retrograde of Not Returning Messages, so most of them haven’t heard back from me yet. In case they’re reading, they may consider the conversation had. Here’s what I’ve seen so far:

- Bad weather screws up Valentine’s Day for kids, florists, restaurant owners and couples.
- Three generally upbeat friends wondering why everything feels so awful, and why they feel they’ll never be happy again.
- My company’s primary job right now is to clean up this stupid Daylight Savings Time mess (a decision made during another Mercury Retrograde), during a time when all sorts of odd, random things go wrong. Most people don’t even seem to know that they need to do anything to their computers. And honestly, it’s not such a big deal (other than the clock being wrong being a deeply, soul-itchingly annoying thing), unless you happen to use any sort of electronic calendar on your PC, Blackberry, Palm, or the like and rely on it to be accurate. If you can spend a few weeks remembering to do the math in your head, it’s not so bad. But then, you also have to trust that the other guy is on the right clock, too, so just because you showed up on time doesn’t mean he will.
- My generally reliable mechanic falling off the face of the planet.
- Traffic delays like you would. not. believe. And God forbid you look for an alternate route - it will be worse than the one you left.
- Gathering the various minor bits of paper that comprise a successfully filed divorce (the major pre-requisite to successfully completing my engagement and making the requisite travel plans to wed in St. John) are proving about as easy and effective as rolling a boulder up a hill for eternity.

There’s more (there’s always more), but that’s enough for now. Wanna attribute it to something else? Go for it. But I can’t help but notice that everything gets a little more unpredictable during certain parts of the year. Even my boss has asked me to start putting it in the company calendar.

Oh, crap - I wonder if we’ve made the time to fix our own system!?