Comcast is supposed to show up and hook up my cable and internet service at the new place today, but as you know, it’s just as likely they won’t. So in the meantime, enjoy this:

Comcast guarantees on-time appointments, but did the cable guy show up during his two hour time frame? No.

Comcast said, when I called them at five past the hour the service guy was guaranteed to show up by, that they would call dispatch and I’d get a call within five minutes to let me know what was up. Did I get that call? No.

Over one-half hour later, I call Comcast again to say I’d like to reschedule for a time that their service person would actually show up. Not that I think this will really happen, but it is a nice day outside and I am not going to be hostage in my house any longer.

Five minutes after I get off the phone with Comcast, the buzzer goes off. The cable guy is here. Does he offer an explanation for being late? No. Is he sorry? No. Is he really obviously unhappy I live on the fourth floor of a building with no elevator? Yes. And because I’m irritated with Comcast, this makes me happy.

Then cable guy forgets batteries for my remote. Do I have any AA batteries? No. Does he have to go back down to the truck and get me batteries? Yes.

This turns out to be the first of three trips back to the truck. After three different calls back to the Comcast Mothership, I still don’t have reception on all the channels I’m paying for. (The cable guy and I have a disagreement over which channels these are, but the Mothership agrees with me.) He goes back down to the truck to get a new box. I am now twenty minutes in to an appointment that was supposed to happen over an hour ago and take five minutes. Oh, and the new box? That doesn’t work either.

Cable guy goes downstairs again to look at the cable wires. He asks before he goes: Is the gate to behind our building locked? No, I tell him, but sometimes it sticks and you have to reach through the gap and open it from the other side. It doesn’t have a lock on it. Does this stop the cable guy from coming back upstairs and telling me the gate was locked? No.

So I tell the cable guy: You know what, just take the box. This is ridiculous. I’m cancelling cable.

Cable guy is stunned. You want the other box back? (He’s probably afraid of yet another trip to the truck, not that I blame him.) No, I say, I want no cable at all. This is more hassle than it is worth, and I’m not going to pay for channels I don’t get. Last week the A trunk was out [stupid Comcast splits cable into trunk A and trunk B, for twice the annoyance, half the convenience] for three days, I tell him. The reception on channel seven is hideous all the time. Digital cable was supposed to fix this, and and least three channels I’m supposed to have now, I don’t have. So forget it. These three channels today, six channels next week, and I’m over it. Take the box.

He calls Comcast Mothership. They say they are sending some magic signal to the digital cable box, to give me the Gold Package, just to see if it works. I can see where this is going. They think that they can bribe me with more movie channels than there are hours in the day to watch them.

They can’t, because I’m still not getting those three channels I’m paying for, and I’m not swayed.

I tell the cable guy that I appreciated his efforts to get the cable installed correctly, but really, I’m done now, take the box back.

I killed my Comcast cable, and it sure felt good.

Someday, I’ll be strong enough to kiss it goodbye…