Before I went to bed last night, I was over at Echidne’s place, where I read this and this. And then I had the strangest dream. Hillary Clinton was the Wicked Witch of the West, and the Kossacks had crashed the gates to kill her .. and MoDo was there, and you, and you, and you….

ACT I
[Scene 1 - No One Mourns The Wicked]
KOSSACKS!
GOOD NEWS, SHE’S DEAD!
THE WITCH OF THE WEST IS DEAD!
THE WICKEDEST WITCH THERE EVER WAS,
THE ENEMY OF ALL OF US HERE ONLINE,
IS DEAD! GOOD NEWS! GOOD NEWS!

KOSSACK (pointing): Look, it’s MoDo!

MODO floats in on a giant bubble

MODO: It’s good to see me, isn’t it? (KOSSACKS Agree) No need to respond, that was rhetorical. Citizen pundits:

LET US BE GLAD,
LET US BE GRATEFUL,
LET US REJOICIFY THAT GOODNESS COULD SUBDUE
THE WICKED WORKINGS OF YOU KNOW WHO!
ISN’T IT NICE TO KNOW
THAT GOOD WILL CONQUER EVIL?
THE TRUTH WE ALL BELIEVE’LL BY AND BY
OUTLIVE A LIE
FOR YOU AND…

FRONT PAGER: MoDo! Exactly how dead is she?

MODO: Well, there has been much rumor and speculation… innuendo, out-uendo… but let me set the record straight. According to the Daily Kozian Klock, the melting occurred at the 13th hour; a direct result of a caucus held in a Southern state. Yes, the Wicked Witch of the West is dead!

Kossack:
NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!

Front Pager:
NO ONE CRIES THEY WON’T RETURN!

Kossacks:
NO ONE LAYS A LILY ON THEIR GRAVE!
Kossack Man:
THE GOOD MAN SCORNS THE WICKED!
Women:
THROUGH THEIR LIVES OUR CHILDREN LEARN!

Kossack:
WHAT WE MISS WHEN WE MISBEHAVE!
MoDo:
AND GOODNESS KNOWS
THE WICKEDS’ LIVES ARE LONELY
GOODNESS KNOWS
THE WICKED DIE ALONE
IT JUST SHOWS WHEN YOU’RE WICKED
YOU’RE LEFT ONLY
ON YOUR OWN

[Scene 2 - Flashback: A White House state dinner.]

MODO is introduced to the new First Lady HILLARY RODHAM WICKED and they take an immediate dislike to each other. After dinner, MODO calls her executive editor to complain while HILLARY complains to PRESIDENT WICKED:

MoDo:
HER VOICE
Hillary:
YOUR CLOTHING
Both:
LET’S JUST SAY…
I LOATHE IT ALL!
EVERY LITTLE TRAIT HOWEVER SMALL
MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL
WITH SIMPLE, UTTER LOATHING
THERE’S A STRANGE EXHILARTION
IN SUCH TOTAL DETESTATION
IT’S SO PURE, SO STRONG!
THOUGH, I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST,
STILL I DO BELIEVE THAT IT CAN LAST!
AND I WILL BE LOATHING, LOATHING YOU
MY WHOLE LIFE LONG!

ACT 2, SCENE 1 SOME YEARS LATER.
One day after a certain blue dress hits the headlines, MODO happens to come across HILLARY RODHAM WICKED sobbing in a deserted West Wing office.

MODO: Mrs. Wicked, are you … okay?

HILLARY: (hands covering her face as she sobs) Go away! Just leave me alone!

MODO: You know, Mrs. Wicked, I’ve been cheated on, too.

HILLARY: (lowering her hands to look at MODO) You have? I mean, I’m shocked!

MODO: (modestly) Yes, I know, it’s probably hard to believe. But you wouldn’t believe the things men have done to me. Why, I’ve even been, you know…. dddd…. (she can’t quite get out the word)

HILLARY: Yes?

MODO: Dumped! I know, it’s hard to believe with my flame-red hair and my sparkling green eyes. Not to mention my razor-sharp wit! But yes, I’ve been publicly humiliated.

HILLARY wipes her eyes.

HILLARY: I just find that so hard to believe.

MODO: I know! I mean, I’m beautiful, talented and I wear vintage clothing to show how intellectual yet quirky and approachable I am! I write for the NEW YORK TIMES! What man wouldn’t want that?

HILLARY: Michael Douglas, right?

MODO stops short and glares.

HILLARY: I was surprised because I thought they’d be afraid to dump you. I mean, you’re famous for your vindictive streak! Who wants to wake up and see themselves eviscerated on the pages of the Times? It’s no fun, let me tell you. [Pause] You’re not a cutter, are you?

MODO: (suspicious) What do you mean?

HILLARY: Just asking. You remind of the girls at Yale who used to cut themselves with razor blades when the pressure got to be too much. You know, the real perfectionist types.

MODO: Uh, no, of course not. I wouldn’t dream of such a thing. [Pause] So what did you do when the pressure go to be too much?

HILLARY: Me? Why, I’d just dive into a book. That’s where I’m most comfortable, anyway. I’ve always been the plain, bookish type.

MODO: Really? I can help you with that! I’m really, really good at this!

She begins to sing.

WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE LESS FORTUNATE THAN I
AND LET’S FACE IT… WHO ISN’T
LESS FORTUNATE THAN I?
MY TENDER HEART TENDS TO START TO BLEED
AND WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS A MAKEOVER
I SIMPLY HAVE TO TAKE OVER
I KNOW I KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED
AND EVEN IN YOUR CASE…
THOUGH IT’S THE TOUGHEST CASE I’VE YET TO FACE!
DON’T WORRY! I’M DETERMINED TO SUCCEED
FOLLOW MY LEAD
AND YES INDEED
YOU
WILL
BE…
POPULAR!
YOU’RE GONNA BE POPULAR
I’LL TEACH THE PROPER PLOYS
WHEN YOU TALK TO BOYS
LITTLE WAYS TO FLIRT AND FLOUNCE (SQUEALS)
I’LL SHOW YOU WHAT SHOES TO WEAR
HOW TO FIX YOUR HAIR
EVERYTHING THAT REALLY COUNTS TO BE POPULAR
I KNOW ABOUT POPULAR
AND WITH AN ASSIST FROM ME
TO BE WHO YOU’LL BE
INSTEAD OF DREARY WHO YOU WERE…
WELL ARE…
THERE’S NOTHING THAT CAN STOP YOU
FROM BECOMING POPULER…
LAR!
LA LA LA LA
WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOU POPULAR!
WHEN I SEE DEPRESSING CREATURES
WITH UNPREPOSSESSING FEATURES,
I REMIND THEM ON THEIR OWN BEHALF
TO THINK OF
CELEBRATED HEADS OF STATE
OR ESPECIALLY GREAT COMMUNICATORS
DID THEY HAVE BRAINS OR KNOWLEDGE?
DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH!
THEY WERE POPULAR
PLEASE, IT’S ALL ABOUT POPULAR
IT’S NOT ABOUT APTITUDE
IT’S THE WAY YOU’RE VIEWED
SO IT’S VERY SHREWD TO BE
VERY VERY POPULAR
LIKE ME!

HILLARY: This is never going to work!
MODO: Oh Hillary, you mustn’t think that way anymore! Your whole life is going to change… and all because of me. (she pulls out a tube of hair product, rubs it on her hands and musses HILLARY’S hair.)

Why, Miss Hillary, look at you. You’re beautiful. (Hands her the mirror.)

HILLARY: (Looks) I… I have to go.

MODO: You’re welcome! (She admires herself in the mirror.)

AND THOUGH YOU PROTEST
YOUR DISINTEREST,
I KNOW CLANDESTINELY…
YOU’RE GONNA GRIN AND BEAR IT
YOUR NEW FOUND POPULARITY! (SQUEALS)
LA LA LA LA
YOU’LL BE POPULAR!
JUST NOT QUITE AS POPULAR
AS ME!!!

Her mood is shortlived as she looks up at a portrait of PRESIDENT WICKED:

MODO: President Wicked, you’ve boinked every woman who’s ever been to the White House except me. You’ve never been anything but professional and courteous. And I do believe, deep down, that you even love your wife. [Wailing] WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME???

MoDo:
DON’T WISH
DON’T START
WISHING ONLY WOUNDS THE HEART

THERE’S A GIRL I KNOW
HE LOVES HER SO
I’M NOT THAT GIRL…

Act 3, Scene 1
HILLARY is in her office with MODO when there’s a loud banging at the door.

VOICE:
Open up, it’s the special prosecutor’s office!

HILLARY:
I won’t let them take me!

MODO:
There’s nothing you can do, they have a subpoena!

HILLARY:
I didn’t do anything! I’ll never find justice in Ken Starr’s office!

MODO:

But Hillary - what about the rule of law?

Hillary:
SOMETHING HAS CHANGED WITHIN ME
SOMETHING IS NOT THE SAME
I’M THROUGH WITH PLAYING BY THE RULES
OF SOMEONE ELSE’S GAME!
TOO LATE FOR SECOND GUESSING
TOO LATE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP
IT’S TIME TO TRUST MY INSTINCTS
CLOSE MY EYES…
AND LEAP
IT’S TIME TO TRY DEFYING GRAVITY
I THINK I’LL TRY DEFYING GRAVITY
AND YOU CAN’T PULL ME DOWN.

She jumps on a broom and gets ready to fly as KEN STARR and his minions pound down the door.

MODO: Hillary, don’t be afraid!

HILLARY: I’m not afraid! It’s Kenneth Starr who should be afraid of ME!!!

SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME,
LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY
AS SOMEONE TOLD ME LATELY,
EVERYONE DESERVES THE CHANCE TO FLY!
AND IF I’M FLYING SOLO,
AT LEAST I’M FLYING FREE!
TO THOSE WHO GROUND ME,
TAKE A MESSAGE BACK FROM ME!
TELL THEM HOW I AM DEFYING GRAVITY!!!
I’M FLYING HIGH DEFYING GRAVITY!!!
AND SOON I’LL MATCH THEM IN RENOWN
AND NOBODY
IN ALL THIS TOWN…
NO KEN STARR THAT THERE IS OR WAS
IS EVER GONNA BRING
ME DOWN!!!

Act 3, Scene 3
The Wickeds are leaving the White House at the end of their term. MODO barges into the Oval Office where HILLARY is putting some mementos into a box.

MODO: They told me I’d find you here.

HILLARY: (coldly) What do you want?

MODO: I wanted to say I was … sorry.

HILLARY says nothing.

MODO: I don’t know why I wrote those things about you and the president. It was almost as if a demon got inside me and I couldn’t stop myself. I just kept writing and writing. I think I was angry that you wouldn’t listen to me when I was only trying to help.

HILLARY: You know, Mo, I’ve prayed for you.

MODO: You have?

HILLARY: Yes, I’ve prayed to find forgiveness for every last nasty, vicious, mean, petty and unfair thing you’ve ever written about me and my family. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because I still have my husband and daughter, and what do you have? So how can I hate someone who has so little? You taught me that. And besides, if things had only been a little different, I might have been you.

Hillary:
I’VE HEARD IT SAID
THAT PEOPLE COME INTO OUR LIVES FOR A REASON
BRINGING SOMETHING WE MUST LEARN
AND WE ARE LED TO THOSE
WHO HELP US MOST TO GROW
IF WE LET THEM
AND WE HELP THEM IN RETURN
WELL, I DON’T KNOW IF I BELIEVE THAT’S TRUE
BUT I KNOW I’M WHO I AM TODAY
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT,
AS IT PASSES A SUN
LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER
HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU…
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED
FOR GOOD…

MoDo:
IT WELL MAY BE,
THAT WE WILL NEVER MEET AGAIN
IN THIS LIFETIME
SO LET ME SAY BEFORE WE PART
SO MUCH OF ME
IS MADE OF WHAT I LEARNED FROM YOU
YOU’LL BE WITH ME
LIKE A HANDPRINT ON MY HEART…
AND NOW WHATEVER WAY OUR STORIES END
I KNOW YOU HAVE RE-WRITTEN MINE
BY BEING MY FRIEND…
LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING
BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
LIKE A SEA DROP BY A SKY BIRD
IN A DISTANT WOOD
WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
BUT BECAUSE I KNEW YOU

Hillary:
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU

Both:
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED…
FOR GOOD…

MoDo:
AND JUST TO CLEAR THE AIR
I ASK FORGIVENESS FOR THE THINGS I’VE DONE
YOU BLAME ME FOR.
Hillary:
BUT THEN I GUESS, WE KNOW THERE’S BLAME TO SHARE
Both:
AND NONE OF IT SEEMS TO MATTER ANYMORE!
Hillary: LIKE A COMET PULLED FROM ORBIT AS IT PASSES A SUN…
MoDo: LIKE A SHIP BLOWN FROM ITS MOORING BY A WIND OFF THE SEA
Hillary: LIKE A STREAM THAT MEETS A BOULDER
MoDo: LIKE A SEED DROPPED BY A BIRD
Hillary: HALFWAY THROUGH THE WOOD
MoDo: IN THE WOOD
Hillary:
WHO CAN SAY IF I’VE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER?
Both:
I DO BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.
Hillary:
AND BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
MoDo:
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
Both:
BECAUSE I KNEW YOU
I HAVE BEEN CHANGED
FOR GOOD.

KOSSACKS in background, marching toward the gates:
NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED!
WICKED…
WICKED!!!