I Can’t Make You Love Me
May 9th, 2008 at 9:44 pm by Susie
Bonnie Raitt:
I knew something happened; she’d left messages almost every night this week after I’d gone to bed. (She always forgets about the time zone difference.) And tonight, she told me: Her boyfriend had dumped her and her heart was broken.
I listened. She told me he wanted her to move to back to Norway with him, that she was cautious and wanted to make sure after her painful divorce a few years back. She wanted to wait; apparently she didn’t make up her mind fast enough, though, because he’d found somebody else.
“Nah, that’s not it,” I said. (I’m older; I’ve seen this movie many, many times. Even starred in it once or twice.) “It’s not you. He just decided it was over, and he figured he’d ‘let’ something happen to make himself end it. Guys who cheat are conflict avoiders, they don’t deal with things like adults. It’s not you.”
“I just can’t believe he had sex with her two weeks after he made love with me,” she wailed. In spite of myself, I laughed.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t mean to laugh, it’s just that’s how most guys are wired: they fuck somebody else as a way to end something, and the women are saying, ‘I loved him so much, I don’t know if I can ever sleep with anybody ever again.’ They’re not like us.”
“That just makes me sick, if men are really like that,” she said.
“Yeah, well, it makes everyone sick when they’re the one going through it,” I said. “I mean, I don’t remember it as an actual picnic, but now I just laugh. It’s just the way they are, I wouldn’t make it too meaningful. It doesn’t make you anything, it’s not about you.”
If only she’d been more understanding, she said. If only she’d been more patient.
“Oh, fuck that,” I said. “I heard some guy on TV talking about this in a book he wrote. He said the red flags in any relationship are there in the first five minutes, it’s just that women choose to ignore them.”
Well, she said, he did drink a bit too much. He did tell her he loved her and wanted to move in with her after only a week. “Well, see?” I said. “You knew. You’re sitting there berating yourself that you’re not enough for him in some way, but that’s not it. You’re looking at this the wrong way.
“You can really, really love someone who’s the wrong person for you, and that’s not some deficit in you that you can’t make it work. You’re years older than him, and you both live in other countries,” I said. “Plus, this thing about him wanting to spend every weekend with his parents at the age of 32… Let me ask you something: If he was an American, would you have been okay with that?”
She laughed, a little. Probably not, she said.
“Well, then,” I said. “Look, I know you can’t see this now, but you moved another step up the ladder with this relationship. You didn’t think you could ever love anyone again after your divorce, and you did. That’s progress! You should be proud of yourself. And if he was the right guy, it all would have worked out.”
I didn’t tell her anything I haven’t told myself.
First,
you put up some fine tunes here, Susie. You have good taste in music.
Now, about those men. I is one, and normally i think I might be inclined to defend the majority of them against being lumped in, all together, as more or less users and schemers incapable of facing the consequences of their own shortcomings. But, the truth is you’re mostly right about them, sad to say. Not to say they don’t have feelings and can’t get hurt. But it’s the way they deal with the difficult aspects of relationships that makes defending them a lost cause. Especially if you share the same chromosomes.
I’d say though, to let your friend know there’s a reason to be hopeful, that there are a few fellas out here who aren’t heartless. Who would recognize that before things become too intimate that they should look deep enough and do look deep enough, to consider what it means to give that part of you that is most vulnerable and intimate to someone else. That it’s a leap of faith. A leap of trust. And that if he can’t take a real look at his responsibility to her in caring for how she feels before he steps off to create a way out for himself, he’d at least respect her enough and care about her enough to not go there with her to begin with. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with sex for sex’ sake. Just that it usually doesn’t work like that in the real world of another person’s feelings.
Now I know I’ve said way too much.
Rock on
Shorter for your friend: You loved him and he may have had good points, but he was not worthy. Just keep saying, HWNW, HWNW, HWNW. And keep looking for one who is.
djmm
This may be harsh… but I suspect that his reluctance to commit TM is because he’s Norweigian.
Northern European Males aren’t operating according to US trends. They don’t engage in activities associated with commitment (read marriage or even co-ownership of a home) and they don’t appear willing to acknowledge or recognize biological imperatives (read ovaries crap out after 40-45 approx.).
My very closest friend truly loves a Norweigian male. I don’t love him but I like him a whole lot. That said, I see an enormous disconnect between their personal expectations of emotional relationship that they have formed almost daily. Almost 10 years after meeting and establishing an exclusive relationship, they married, only 6 days before she delivered their first child (with some interventional assistance wrt to conception) and some months before her 42nd birthday. This was his decision. Despite everything, the process wasn’t engaged until he decided to obtain a marriage license. I viewed his willingness to formalize their relationship as a “good conduct prize” but then again… I don’t love him. They’d been exclusive and faithful for almost 9 years prior to these life-altering events. The very best thing you could say (admittedly stereotyping all the way) is that these guys “don’t make such decisions hastily”. He’s a great father, and a faithful lover and husband. I don’t want to imply in anyway that he isn’t a guy worthy or respect or affection. He is. He loves his parents dearly, and he ALWAYS wants to be home… in Norway!
This deep affection for the lifestyle of home provides the disconnect because while most people chosing to live in the US, either native born or immigrant, perceive this as improved or enhanced circumstance, the economic/intellectual/academic migrant is simply samplling the lifestyle and see no reason not to return home (source of all delights).
A the end of the day, I’m Irish, a race known to commit serial monogamy. I empathize with individuals struggling with the phenomenon of the “commitment-phobic” partner. I’m highly sensitive to the idea that while you should aim to be faithful to the one you’re with, it’s possible that you aren’t with them forever. Love them, leave them…. it’s just not the same playing field…. not when folk living in the US who have already experienced serious loving/leaving in the context of a marital relationship before they turn 25 encounter european males who haven’t been asked to commit to a brand of toothpaste at 40.
Or it could be that we all share one common Norwegian ancestor :o)
Now that I’ve learned more about (female) bi-polarism and (female) domestic abuse than I ever wanted to know, I’d have to agree that the red flags were flying in the first five minutes - and as she broke down the door to my first apartment, crawled in the window of the second I’d moved to to get away from her. Now that I’ve lost everything and for all practical purposes are homeless… yeah, men are the bad ones.
Jeez
Yup…It all depends on whose axe was gored…or something like that….Mine was a Borderline Personality Disorder and she cost me a house AND nearly had me convicted of domestic abuse, of which I was the victim, not the perpetrator and which conviction could have caused me to lose my license to practice veterinary medicine. At the very last moment, she declined to lie. She did these things, in her own words during a rare centered moment, because she wanted to keep me. I loved again, serially (very nice, TeaHag) until Janice and for some odd reason (HA) declined to marry her for ten years.
TeeHag, he DID want to commit. He just didn’t want to wait for her to decide she wanted to move to Norway.
Bears, who said anything about “bad”? Observing the way someone is isn’t an insult.
I agree about the red flags. Like wanting to commit after just one week. A lot of people who do that — sort of jump-start into commitment - turn out to be very insecure, needy partners, and possibly controlling ones as well.