Yadda, yadda, yadda, blah blah blah.
Yes, this stay at home mom regrets that she shot herself in the foot financially, and now that’s she’s divorced, she’s really struggling to find work.
But what I wish she’d said is that money issues aside, mothering is not enough. It just isn’t.
I’ll use the example closest to home: My mom. My mom, the smart, witty woman who really wanted to be a singer and a writer. She did neither of those things. She blamed us. (And seemed really incredible annoyed that I managed to do both those things, even with children.) She kept telling us how much she loved being a mother, but she was depressed, and seemed to drink a lot. She seemed a lot happier after we all grew up and left.
My dad did not believe in working mothers (although he had one, so go figure). He said it was the man’s job to provide, and women should stay home. So I can blame him — and I can blame my mom for knuckling under. Some things (like your sanity) are worth fighting for.
And it would have been nice to see my mom happy.
Well, it was another time and another place. But the women who are Professional Mommies now should know better. Some strange retro things have happened in society where, just like the Fifties, Motherhood is Sacred. It is the pinnacle, goddamn it. (I notice most of the Professional Mommies drink. A lot. Just look at their Facebook and Pinterest pages!)
How do I put this nicely? I think they are lying through their teeth, to themselves and to their children.
Instead of attachment parenting, my friends and I practiced detachment parenting. “Mommy’s on the phone, don’t interrupt me unless someone’s bleeding. Here’s a cookie, go watch Nickleodeon.” We always had a book in one hand, and no, we didn’t care that much if our kitchen floors were a little sticky. And we loved our kids. We were “good enough” parents, we weren’t trying to bolster our self-esteem in some imaginary Perfect Mommy competition. (There were some women like that, but we ignored them.)
So the thing I think when I read pieces like this is, “Where was your self-respect? What were you thinking?” Were you thinking your kids would be grateful? Think again. Your kids weren’t asking you to sacrifice every last bit of yourself. You were.
The women I’ve known like this were deeply insecure (frequently but not always with distant, withholding husbands), and tried to make up for it with the best Halloween costumes or the most creative birthday cakes. (I mean, who cares? It’s a cake! Just eat it!) When I see young mothers like that now, I want to slap them.
Part of this is grounded in my firm conviction that making kids the center of the universe is very bad for them. A lot of experts agree with me. So I think this is Mommy’s need, not the children. And it sets up some creepy “aren’t I the best mommy, so now you really owe me” kind of subtext that disturbs me.
At least in some cases, it’s a refusal to grow up and try your abilities in the adult world.
First of all kids stink. Secondly, wouldn’t it be great if we could all live our lives all over again? The first time through would be like getting a learners permit. Whoever tells you that they have “no regrets” is a bold faced liar. That said, we’re all where we are today and we’re all going to wind up dead in the end. So rather than get all twisted up about the past, something that none of us can do a damn thing about now, let’s all do the best that we can in the future with the smarts that, hopefully, we’ve picked up along the way. Peace
I have a sister in law who was one of those stay at home moms (who then became the mom who is always helping out at the school). Her kids are super smart and good kids (so far, the first just started college). But I sometimes imagine them either moving as far from home as possible or all living together under the same roof forever. I can’t imagine what the SIL will do when they are all grown, she practically had a nervous breakdown when the first went away to college. Partly she is compensating for her own mother abandoning the family when she was a little girl. Just like Suzy’s father probably didn’t like his mom working, so he wanted his wife to stay at home. Everybody overcompensating for the lacks of their own childhoods.
My sisters have kids too, and they are raised like I was raised in the 60s and 70s (albeit with a stay at home mom until everyone was in school). So likewise at least half of their kids have eating disorders or ADHD or whatever.
My philosophy is don’t have kids because that is pretty much the single worst thing you can do as far as destroying the planet for the last 100 years or more. I imagine most people are so egotistical that they think the world needs their genes in the genepool to be worthwhile. I would not be able to forgive myself for bringing a child into a world where our children or at least our grandchildren (us, being the formerly 1st world citizens) are going to face unimaginable hardships in the not very distant future.
Besides, gay men can’t have babies unless they are very unethical or very rich (and rich people are almost always unethical).