‘In order to keep our editorial page completely balanced, we are hiring more dipshits’

McSweeney’s with what is meant to be a parody, but maybe not. After all, the Washington Post just hired the horrible Megan McArdle:

Here at the New York Times, we believe that all sides of the story should be tolerated and explored, from white supremacists being actually kinda cool if you think about it to people who believe that saying college campuses should be less PC is somehow an interesting use of 1,000 words. That’s why we’re expanding our editorial staff to include more dipshits. Because everyone, no matter how intellectually lazy their conservatism, deserves a column in our newspaper.

By the end of the year, we aim to have 200% more dipshits writing columns for us. As long as you are a Ben Shapiro knockoff who can string together the words ‘the intolerant left’ and occasionally criticize Trump, you have a home here on our opinion pages. Because this is what conservatism is now, and we have to respect that.

Why do we hire dipshits? It’s simple. After the 2016 election, we got yelled at a lot by right-wingers. How could you report such negative stories about President Trump by printing the words he says? Why don’t 100% of your stories talk about Hillary Clinton’s emails, rather than just the ones on the front page? They had a point. So, despite the fact that throughout the last year the right has decided they hate everything from Keurig to the NFL, we have decided to do the journalistically correct thing and capitulate entirely.

So today we make a promise. A promise to every moron that was a little too intelligent to for the Wall Street Journal, to every idiot that will go write for the Federalist if they don’t get hired by us. To you, we say welcome.

Go read the rest. Sigh.

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One Response to ‘In order to keep our editorial page completely balanced, we are hiring more dipshits’

  1. Imhotep February 14, 2018 at 11:33 am #

    Maybe the NYT can hire Kevin Hassett, Trump’s Chief of the Council of Economic Advisers, as a guest writer?
    He could explain to the public how lassie faire Capitalism works and why the only entity that any government should fund with taxpayer dollars is the military?

    Hassett was told by Trump that “What is very important to me is the military, tax cuts, and regulations.”

    So far Hassett has followed Trumps instructions to the letter.

    Last month he got Trump the largest tax cut give-a-way to the rich and corporations in history. And $1 trillion dollars in new debt.

    Last week he engineered, with Democratic help, a massive increase in military spending (15.5%). And an additional $1.5 trillion dollar deficit.

    Hassett’s latest blow to us regular folks is Trump’s 2019 budget.
    It cuts $500 billion dollars from Medicare and calls for massive cuts to domestic programs like food stamps, housing subsidizes, and student loans.

    But, good old Hassett gives the military another whopping increase in its budget.

    Perhaps the New York Times could hire Hassett to explain to us peons exactly how long it will take for him to strip away our entire social safety net while expanding our military to the point of bankrupting the country?

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