Author Archive | susie

All things must pass

Sunset doesn’t last all evening
A mind can blow those clouds away
After all this my love is up
And must be leaving
It has not always been this gray
All things must pass
All things must pass away.

“All Things Must Pass,” George Harrison

Daylight savings time shifted this morning, and I was up before the dawn, listening to music while I took in a pair of too-baggy jeans on my sewing machine. This song came on, and I got all introspective and shit.

Maybe it’s the time of year, or just getting older. But lately, I have such a strong sense of my life as ephemeral, a pair of jeans that don’t fit anymore. Sure, I can pretend the crotch doesn’t hang to my knees or that the ass isn’t sagging – but it is and it was time to do something. Since I know how to sew, I took them in. But I’m still losing weight, there’s only so much I can do and sooner or later, they have to go. And I accept that.

I wish the other decisions were that easy.

All things must pass.

It’s gotten slightly easier to let go. (Not “easy,” mind you, but easier.) And not of things or places so much as people – whether by death, divorce or decision, time accelerates and people you thought or hoped would be around forever are suddenly gone.

All things must pass.

One of the things I love about middle age is the perspective. I always think of it as finally being high enough on the mountain to see the lay of the land. And while I suppose it’s a New Age cliche, situations that seem pointlessly painful while I’m going through them do invariably land me in a better place. Whether it’s losing a job or going through a breakup, it seems to me I always got a better deal as a result.

Is that reality, or simply my perspective?

It has not always been this gray.

I remember my first plane ride. It was a dark, gloomy day and when the plane nosed its way up past the clouds, I literally gasped – because up there, it was sunny and the skies were still so blue. Sometimes I think of that and remind myself clouds aren’t as permanent as they seem.

I don’t have many crippling dark times anymore. Here and there, but extended periods of gloom are no longer welcome in my life.

A mind can blow those clouds away.

I’ve always been a dreamer, a person with big ideas. And I always thought it was funny, how scornful the “sensible” and “practical” types are of people like me. They point to my failures as proof I shouldn’t have tried in the first place. Which is interesting, because they seem to think being paralyzed and knotted up in fear is somehow preferable. “Don’t expect anything, and you won’t be disappointed,” one ex used to chide me.

What a silly thing to say. What a sad way to live.

Ready or not

Now baby’s feeling funny in the morning
She says she’s got a lot on her mind
Nature didn’t give her any warning
Now she’s going to have to leave her wild ways behind
She says she doesn’t care if she never spends
Another night running loose on the town
She’s gonna be a mother
Take a look in my eyes and tell me brother
If I look like I’m ready

I told her I had always lived alone
And I probably always would
And all I wanted was my freedom
And she told me that she understood
But I let her do some of my laundry
And she slipped a few meals in between
And the next thing I remember, she was all moved in
And I was buying her a washing machine.

“Ready or Not,” Jackson Browne

My friend S. called me tonight. He and his significant other are in the process of unpacking in their new, larger place before the birth of their baby.

“So when are you going to get married?” I said. (I’m kind of a nudge about this. When you mutter, “You little bastard!” at your teenage kid, it shouldn’t be literal. )

“Soon. Before the event,” he said.

“Hmmph. You’re really cutting it close,” I said. “Better hope the baby’s not premature. Have you at least set a date?”

He allowed as how they haven’t, but they did get a washer and dryer.

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Dream land

By on October 21, 2005 in My So-Called Life

Had the funniest dream last night. I was in the audience at an auditorium somewhere, and on the stage dressed in caps and gowns were all of my exes (even ones I’d forgotten about). Each one walked up to the podium, spoke into the mike and told me what he’d given me. I can’t remember what each of them said, but these are the ones I do.

My very first boyfriend said, “I gave you creativity.”

The alcoholic lawyer said, “I taught you the law, and the way things work.”

The bass player from a high-school friend’s band said, “I was the first person who told you you were pretty. But you didn’t believe me.”

My Dead Ex-Husband said, “I gave you music, and our children.” He was showing me a framed picture of the boys.

The funniest one was the Larry David clone, who walked away from the podium, hunkered down on his haunches (he’s very tall) in front of me, looked directly at me and said, “What I could.” (Which was never very much.)
I woke up laughing.

Wonder what the next one will be like?

Train stories

By on October 21, 2005 in My So-Called Life

I’m sitting on the train home from work and there’s this middle-aged blowhard with a bowtie and a loud baritone sitting behind me with his wife. He starts speaking very loudly about how the “mainstream media doesn’t believe Saddam Hussein has anything to do with terrorism,” and then he starts quoting wacky Laurie Milroie. I swear to God, I’m not making this up.

“Oh shit,” I think to myself, grinning. “Next thing you know, he’ll start quoting Instapundit.” (I’m wrong – it’s Captain Ed.)

“I happen to have printed this out from Captain Ed. I think you’ll find it very educational,” he tells his wife.

Jesus, would you just shut up? I’m trying to sleep.

On Wednesday night, some guy with a bike (his name is Pat, he tells me) sits down next to me and starts chatting away. This is just not good; I’ve had three glasses of iced tea and I really, really, really need to go to the bathroom. Since this is a local, the train is making every single stop and this guy just keeps on talking. I can’t think of any polite way to tell him I have to concentrate right now, I can’t talk. But there’s something about him; he’s tanned and dirty, his hair is bleached and lank. He has the open, guileless face of an eight-year-old and I realize Pat is maybe a few tacos short of a combination platter.

He starts telling about his job. “I take the train to work every day and I clean windows, car windows,” he says. I realize he’s one of those squeegee guys who works the intersections downtown.

“Would it be cheaper if I bought a pass? How does that work?” he asked me. “Should I get one for a whole month?”

I tell him he should wait to see if there’s a strike. His face clouds. “If the trains don’t run, how can I get to work? That would be horrible,” he says.

I offer him the leftover pasta I have from the restaurant. “Wow, that’s really nice of you,” he says.

“Enjoy it,” I tell him. “Glad you like it.”

And I am.

Eclipse story

By on October 19, 2005 in My So-Called Life

Here’s a dilemma: What happens when you and your best friend break up with your boyfriends at the same time? Who gets crying privileges? Is the other friend still allowed to try to cajole you out of it and make you laugh? What if you start crying, too? How long are you both allowed to trash the exes? What if you trash her ex and they get back together? I suppose she gets dibs on most of that stuff because they were together for several years – and mine was (as Jon Stewart would say), “Eh, not so long.” But still.

In all our years of friendship, we’ve never both been down for the count at the same time. It will be hard to figure out the mutual etiquette: “There, there, go ahead and cry.” “No,you cry, I insist.”

Fucking eclipses.

Anyone else have a breakup story this week?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

By on October 19, 2005 in Life in the Big City, My So-Called Life

This morning, three women get on the train together and they start talking about the youngest one’s impending divorce. The wounds are still fresh.

“I couldn’t believe it. He’s yelling at me because I was breaking down in front of the youngest, saying I’m trying to turn him against him. I’m like, ‘You have your new life with your bimbo, get out of my freakin’ house.’ You know?”

The other two nod assent.

“He’s telling me I’m the one who should move out, he has to start a new life. I said no, the kids go to school here, they have all their friends. I’m not putting them through that,” she says. “Jesus. What a selfish pig.”

“Excuse me, young ladies,” says a dignified older woman wearing an American flag sweater. “Absolutely not. You stand your ground, you think of those kids.” She jabs a long, painted finger into the air.

One of the other women speaks up. “I couldn’t get out of bed to leave the house for two weeks when I found out,” she says. “I felt like such a goddamned fool. I thought, am I the only one who didn’t know what was going on?”

“Me, too,” the third one says. “I lost twenty pounds, I couldn’t eat. Now I tell him, ‘So what happens when you get tired of this one? You’ll die old and alone.’”

“Yeah, well, mine told me he wanted to be friends, he said if we ran into each other at a bar, he’d send over a beer,” the second one says, shaking her head.

“You know what I’d do? I’d spit in it and send it right back, tell the bartender to make sure he gets it.”

Sunday morning coming down

By on October 16, 2005 in My So-Called Life

Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.
–Thomas Merton

Blogging virtually demands that I appear to be a much angrier and hostile person than I am, and it depresses me when people actually believe that’s the sum total of my being. “I’m really a very nice, calm person,” I bemoaned to another blogger recently.

“I can understand why they think that but yes, I believe you’re a nice person,” he said.

“I work at trying to be compassionate,” I said with a sigh. “My friends get so mad at me that when they hate someone, I’m always the one who talks them out of it, gets them to admit that people are mostly just misguided.

“”The thing is, these people who are running the country into the ground are so… evil that in order to get people’s attention, it seems to require that I amp up the most negative parts of my personality in order to persuade readers, and it affects me.” (Like being an exorcist, I suppose.)

Compassion is not sentiment but is making justice and doing works of mercy. Compassion is not a moral commandment but a flow and overflow of the fullest human and divine energies.

–Matthew Fox

I come from a verbal, sarcastic family and although everyone’s much kinder than we were when we were young, the habits are still in there. Blogging brings all that out again and it’s something that, given my druthers, I’d rather have as a memory. Like Shane, I thought I’d hung up my guns forever.

This is especially hard on me because of a little something I like to refer to as “The Cosmic Fuck.”

A few years ago – October 3rd, 1999, to be exact, I had what they call a “religious experience.”

I’d been praying, but it was more out of utter desperation and bitterness than devotion. After a devastating breakup, I was truly at the end of my emotional rope, and I finally let go of the illusion that I could figure things out. I couldn’t, and I was drowning. Deep down, I knew it.

Writer Anne Lamott (who is what I like to call “a cursing Christian” like myself) says there are really only two appropriate prayers (because the nature of God requires Him to know better than us): “Help me, help me, help me” and “Thank You, thank You, thank You.” I want to argue with that but I can’t.

My prayer that morning was somewhat closer to the former variety, something along the lines of, “Dear God, If You could see Your way clear to helping that other miserable shit of a human being to whom I am obviously far superior – because after all, here I am, praying for him when he’s such an asshole, it would probably be a good thing for the world and his future victims. Oh, and if You could make him bitterly regret losing me for the rest of his miserable life, that would be good, too.”

Here’s the thing: I actually thought that was a good prayer. After all, I wanted to help someone, right? But then something strange happened.

It’s almost impossible to describe, and for a writer, that’s an abject admission of failure. I can only nibble around the edges of it, it’s too large to digest. (Psychologist William James talked to a few people, and got a pretty good paper out of it, though.) I suppose if I’d been a different kind of person, I’d have thought maybe I was having some kind of psychotic break or otherwise losing my mind, but instead it seemed I was finding it for the first time.

I’ve done a lot of psychedelic drugs when I was a kid and I’d had a mere glimmer, a tiny taste of something similar but nothing like this. An overwhelming Benign Force filled the room – and me. I remember there was a powerful light that expanded into the entire room, and feeling that I was a tiny particle in some vast, shimmering sea. That all of us, and everything, was connected and that my life until then had been largely wasted on a comical, mistaken notion that itwasn’t.

I remember laughing out loud at the realization. I’d spent so much of my life wanting to be special, trying to stand out and here was a delightful gift: disappearing into something so much larger than myself wasn’t an awful thing. How silly, I thought, that I’d spent so much of my life in terror of it.

There was this overpowering feeling of love that penetrated every part of me, every molecule. I felt this Being’s complete and loving acceptance of flawed little me, the kind of fucked-up person who used a prayer to attack someone she still loved.

Damn.

I thought the whole thing lasted maybe a half-hour or so, but when I looked at the clock later, it was more than four hours that I sat there in this exalted state.

And it didn’t go away for a long time. The experience completely changed me. (For one thing, it healed my heart. I didn’t have any more scores to settle.) It made me, I dare say, a better person. For the first time in my life, compassion was real, not an intellectual construct. And it pervaded my life.

It’s one of the reasons I can’t ever stay angry at people. Because no matter what horrors they perpetuate, I know their evil is only an error, grounded in the illusion of separation from everything else. I know it, because I know it in myself.

The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness.
–H.H. the Dalai Lama

As the years passed, though, it became much more of a challenge to sustain that pure compassion, that transcendence. Eventually, I had to come back down to earth, where I endured a dull ache they don’t address in theDSM-IV (and remind me to tell you sometime about trying to discuss this with an HMO shrink): Knowing there’s more to existence than the mundane, but losing that sense of direct connection to the Universe. I can’t un-know what I know, but I don’t feel it the same way now.

From what I read by other Cosmic Fuckees, I’m not alone in the longing and yes, even depression that follows when the intensity finally fades. Come back, I sometimes plead. Help me, help me, help me. People who know something about these things tell me most people don’t experience the Cosmic Fuck once, let alone twice. (The implication being, I guess, that I’m some kind of spiritual glutton for wanting more.)

It’s difficult to balance the lessons of the Cosmic Fuck with the so-called “reality” of hardball politics. Our nation is in a fight for its soul, and fear makes us fall back on the same tactics used by the opposition. We tell ourselves we can’t bring a knife to a gun fight.

But such is the nature of the paradox: after all, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu and Mahatma Gandhi moved political mountains with love. We know it can be done. Why don’t we try? Is there a way we can live with one foot in each world?

Right now, we have only this exploitive, bastardized, politicized and watered-down parody of faith in the public arena – on both sides. It’s so far removed from what I knew that October day.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me…

And see, that’s the interesting thing about grace. You don’t earn it, you don’t deserve it. (Its very randomness is what makes it grace.) As I sat there, imbued with divine love, I realized oh by the way, I was a miserable shit of a human being. I was a person who couldn’t love, I was keeping people at a distance. Yet my Cosmic Lover was embracing me, reassuring me, saying, “You just didn’t know any better, that’s all. You know now, so just don’t do it again.” Go now, and sin no more.

I try not to. (Some days are harder than others, but I do try.) And no matter what I write about George Bush or Judy Miller, no matter how angry I sound, I’m still fighting to find compassion for them, too.

Think compassion, grasshopper. Compassion.

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My life and times

By on October 12, 2005 in My So-Called Life

I was talking to a friend last night at DL who confided that she’s “not a blog reader.” I said that was okay, lots of people aren’t.

“But when I read your blog, I don’t read the politics,” she said. “I click on the part about ‘my so-called life’ and I only read those. But I do know you. It must be weird, that some people only read that stuff and think they know you from that small part of you.”

She’s right; it is weird. And it’s always interesting to find out how some people only read certain parts. I always feel like the personal stuff is a distraction – for me, mostly, because I get a little bored with 24/7 politics. (Hard to believe, I know.)

Like most people, I carefully edit which parts I allow other people to see – and because I know so many of the people who read this blog, I can’t write as freely as I’d like. (You’d be surprised how much I leave out.)

I was telling a co-worker about this. “So that’s why I’m planning to get rich from my novel,” I said. “I get to use all those stories I can’t blog about, and if my friends all get mad at me after the book comes out, I’ll have enough money to buy some new friends.”

And people think I don’t plan ahead. Hah.

Road music

By on October 4, 2005 in Arts & Music, My So-Called Life

I drove in to work today and it’s always a musical adventure. I keep finding my unlabled mix CDs stuck into every nook and cranny of the car, and while fumbling under the seat this morning, I found one including this lovely little Kim Richey song. I’d forgotten it.

It reminds me of the one who got away. You know, the one who could show up on your doorstep at any time and no matter what, you’d probably still let him in? That one. (The Larry David clone.) But it never did work out, thank God. Did I mention he was, um, crazy?

The Richey CD came out right before we had one of our numerous (and always unexpected) reunions and I remember listening to it then, bemused.

Hello old friend
Ah, this is so like you
To drop back in
Well you’re right on time.
How have I been?
Well, that can of worms ain’t worth
Opening
Leave it at fine
Just fine
I’m just fine
So how ‘bout you?
How ‘bout those big dreams?
Did some come true according to plan?
Are you married yet?
I thought you would be by now
I forget – what was her name
What was her name?
Good old what’s-her-name

And is it me you want or
Are you just lonely
Well aren’t we all
And I like the way you sound
Straight out of lost and found
Glad you called

Well, you made me smile
Hell, I laughed right out loud
And it’s been a while
And it feels real good
You know what I’d wish, were I the wishing kind?
That you’d take a trip down
To my neighborhood
Come on down to my neighborhood

And is it me you want, or are you just lonely
Well aren’t we all
And I like the way you sound
Straight out of lost and found
Glad you called
Hello old friend.

The commute

By on September 30, 2005 in My So-Called Life

Well, I rise up every morning at a quarter to eight
Some woman who’s my wife tells me not to be late
I kiss the kids goodbye, I can’t remember their names
And week after week, it’s always the same

And it’s ho, boys, can’t you code it
And program it right
Nothing ever happens in the life of mine
I’m hauling up the data on the Xerox line.

“White Collar Holler,” by Nigel Russell as performed by Stan Rogers

I see those guys on the train every morning – and now I’m one of them. (Sort of.) You know who I mean: the guys with the invariably-blue vendor shirts, chinos and laptop cases. The ones who fill up so many seats on the morning commuter train.

I leave the house at 7:40 and there’s always one free parking spot left near the train station; I get on the train with five or so minutes to spare. (I don’t know how it’ll be in the cold, snowy weather – the entire station shelter reeks of urine and I’d rather freeze solid than actually sit on that bench.)

I climb onto the train, my commuter pass in a plastic holder hanging from a length of plumber’s chain around my neck. I’m hauling a large canvas tote containing my purse, some yarn for crocheting, a library book and yesterday’s papers I haven’t finished reading.

The walk from the station wakes me up. I turn right past the 7-Eleven that’s next to the methadone clinic, through a horde of Baby Mommas pushing strollers and puffing cigarettes (there’s a training and counseling program for young welfare mothers in my building, as well as a treatment center for child-sex offenders). I join the group of social-work types pushing into the elevator and get off at the fourth floor, where a clinic also offers walk-in pregnancy testing. (A cautionary note to teens: I’ve only twice seen the girls accompanied by their boyfriends. Usually, they’re with their mothers – or alone. Mostly alone.)

The other morning, there was graffiti on the hallway wall outside our office.

“We need to move,” someone muttered.

“It’s the city, dude,” someone else replied.

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