
My new sofa.
I have this couch that I pretty much hate. I’ve never hated a piece of furniture before, but there you have it. I got it for maybe $75 off Craigslist, the main feature being that the guy who was moving would drop it off and help me carry it upstairs.
For years now, I’ve been twisting my neck and feeling all crooked and hurt-y whenever I watch TV. I assumed it was because the couch was perpendicular to the TV, right? But a few months ago, I got Comcast to move my cable outlet to the wall directly across from the couch, and discovered it didn’t really help — this couch has no support at all. (You should see the assorted pile of pillows and props I shove behind me when I sit on the thing.) It is the classic Piece of Shit. It does not do the thing for which it is designed.
So I made a plan.
The plan involved putting money away from my freelance work until I had $300. There were a couple of setbacks along the way when I had to zero it out for car stuff, but this week, I finally got there.
Then I began scouring Craigslist. It had to be a quality brand name, and from one of the yuppified areas so I knew they took care of it. Yesterday I struck gold: An $1800 Pottery Barn sofa in beautiful condition, for only $250. (That, and $50 to the guy with a truck who’s going to bring it here.)
I never understood about quality couches until maybe 20 years ago, when I got an insurance settlement. At the time, I’d just been diagnosed with what a specialist told me was “99.5% likely” advanced paranasal sinus cancer, which would eat away at my brain, make me go blind and kill me. I thought, “Goddamn it, if I’m going to waste away and die, I want a comfortable couch to do it on!” So I went to Macy’s and spent $800 to get a really fabulous couch. (My son still talks about how he got the best sleep ever on it.) As it turned out, I didn’t have paranasal sinus cancer (they were plain old mold tumors) and got to enjoy that couch for many years, until finally it didn’t fit into one of my apartments. So I gave it to a friend, who still has it.
Anyway, I am hopeful that the new couch and I will have a similarly fulfilling relationship. The owners were selling it because they’re having another baby and need to turn the den into a nursery. The wife said her mother was upset because she slept on it when she visited and much preferred it to the Mitchell Gold sectional in the living room.
Then their three-year-old started to cry because he didn’t want the couch to leave. I tried to tell him I would take good care of it, but he ran off crying to his room. “He’s just tired,” his mom said. But I prefer to think that he has superior taste in furniture, and took it as a good sign.