Aug 1st, 2014 at 4:58 pm by Boohunney
WASHINGTON—Instructing workers to be on the lookout for a pretty huge package labeled “Fragile,” Vice President Joe Biden visited the White House mailroom Friday to check for the arrival of a grow light he’d had delivered under a fake name, multiple sources reported. “You guys know if any boxes arrived for a Robert Marley?” Biden reportedly asked in a low tone of voice, noting that the parcel would be shipped from a company called Photonics, Inc. in Vancouver, and that maybe his buddy Chip who works nights had already set it aside. “Long story, but I had a little mishap with my rig a few weeks ago and some of the guys on the Plantazoid forums said this thing is the shit.” At press time, the vice president was seen furtively slipping into the Lincoln Bedroom closet with a load of tinfoil he had taken from the White House kitchen.
Aug 1st, 2014 at 2:18 pm by Boohunney
WORLD WIDE WEB — For a brief moment today, the world was without Facebook. It was terrifying for most, but for Millennials, it was a giant wake-up call.
For the generation who group up talking to each other through the internet, they were faced with the broad realization that they may actually have to face their peers face to face. Even the remote concept of this was enough for many to crawl under their beds and hide until their security blanket of social networking reappeared within an hour.
Millennials almost had to learn Social Skills — the skill of “facilitating interaction and communication with others.”
This group of young adults, raised in a world of technology, where they can hide behind the guise of a keyboard and screen, almost had to be, well… human… at least for a moment.
Some Millennials even peeked outside the window and noticed a bird sipping from a flower for maybe the first time in their adult life… for these things only happened in videos streaming in the palm of their hands.
Not to worry though, Facebook came back to life as Millennials breathed an audible sigh of relief. They quickly posted their ordeals of a Facebookless world on Facebook the moment it returned.
Hillary Clinton responded to a reporter’s question about the 2016 presidential elections today by saying that she is running.
The surprise announcement came today at a public park about half a mile from the Clintons’ residence in Chappaqua, New York.
The Daily Currant‘s New York correspondent had been tailing behind Ms. Clinton on her morning jog around the neighborhood when he finally summoned the courage to ask the question on every American’s mind.
“Secretary Clinton! Secretary Clinton!” our reporter shouted. “Do you have time for a few quick questions about 2016?”
“Not now, I’m running,” Clinton responded.
“Okay, well, have a good day ma’am.”
Clinton later explained through an aide that the phrasing of her remark was just her way of making light of the intense speculation surrounding her presidential plans.
Aug 1st, 2014 at 9:27 am by Boohunney
Coca-Cola spokesperson Gabriella Sanchez announced in an impromptu press conference this morning that the iconic cola company is urgently recalling all twenty-ounce size bottles of the drink with the name ‘Michael’ on them due to “compromising of ingredients”. She went on to say that several customers had returned their drinks to stores and/or called the Coca-Cola customer service hotline after noticing their personalized bottles, with the name ‘Michael’ on them, had an odd taste.
“Several calls began to come in on Friday afternoon with customers complaining that their bottles of cola had an odd taste, all of which were part of our ‘Share a Coke With…’ campaign, and had the name Michael on them.” Sanchez announced to the unassuming press. “Naturally, we immediately launched an investigation on the issue and after thorough lab testing we discovered that the ingredients of a particular series of batches were compromised. Our investigation and research found a disgruntled employee, who is not being named due to criminal investigation, had been adding literal top soil – dirt – into her batches. If consumed, these bottles of cola are not necessarily considered dangerous so there is not cause for panic, but of course we do not want our very loyal and longtime Coke lovers ingesting this foul-tasting soda.”
Sources close to the situation, which requested to remain anonymous, leaked the story to a reporter about the case as early as Sunday morning, saying that a female employee, who was claiming sexual harassment by her supervisor, who just happened to be named ‘Michael,’ had ‘spiked large batches of the drink with top soil she had been bringing to work,’ via her purse. She did so after discovering that all batches she was put in charge of would be added to two-million 20-ounce bottles which would be labeled “Share a Coke with…Michael.”
If you have a few bucks, Doctors Without Border is fighting hard to stop the spread of Ebola.
What other heroes do we have this week?