You know what ruminating actually is, right? It’s hacking up stuff you’ve already chewed and swallowed, so you can chew it all again.
I’ve been ruminating a lot lately, I guess because I’m scared and angry. We all know that “if onlys” are not only lacking in nutrition, they’re bad for the soul. But there we are. One bad week, and I tumble back down the rabbit hole.
It starts with my health problems, because IF ONLY I hadn’t pissed away more than a decade on a shitty, self-destructive relationship, I wouldn’t be so physically wrung out right now. I can tell you for a fact that the sheer stress destroyed my health – and of course it’s my own damned fault. For that, I could kick myself. IF ONLY I hadn’t ignored the hundreds of clues “because hey, everyone has flaws!” IF ONLY I’d taken my then-thin, cute and well-employed self out onto the market then, instead of hanging around waiting for this asshole to have his Eureka moment and see what a prize I was, maybe I’d be with some nice decent guy right now – a guy with a good job and really good insurance.
Or maybe not. Maybe the really nice guy would have lost his really good job and the insurance, but still. At least we wouldn’t be going through this alone. Unless he died. Whatever.
IF ONLY I hadn’t taken jobs that interested me instead of sticking to some nebulous “career path”, I wouldn’t get these questions about my spotty resume and I’d have a job right now. IF ONLY I wasn’t so disorganized, I’d have written three books by now. IF ONLY I’d caused a scene, and made my parents let me take that college scholarship, I’d be on a stronger financial footing right now.
IF ONLY I hadn’t sprained my ankle. IF ONLY the doctors hadn’t been so incompetent, for so long. IF ONLY I didn’t read so much, I’d be happier. IF ONLY I didn’t need to be right.
IF ONLY I wasn’t me, I’d have more friends. I’d fit in. I’d be more successful. And rich. Instead of alone, anxious and poor.
IF ONLY I HADN’T MET YOU, I’D PROBABLY STILL BE WITH A LOSER
IF ONLY I HADN’T MET YOU, MAYBE I WOULDN’T HAVE HELD ON (YOUR WORDS, AT YOUR INSISTENCE)TO THE MAN WHO WAS TO BE MY HUBBY
IF ONLY I HADN’T MET YOU, I’D HAVE NO ONE TO CALL ME ON MY SHIT, OFFER A THERE THERE, OR HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND THESE PEOPLE THEY CALL MEN…
I AM GLAD YOU’RE HERE, AS YOU ARE. ALL MY LOVE AND A BIG HUG!
I’m one of your super-broke readers who hasn’t chipped in yet. Are you getting any help? What’s the gap between what you need and what you have gotten so far?
Please don’t beat yourself up. You are remarkable. I wish I lived closer so we could be friends. And really, don’t even think about imagining you are alone in wasting ages of your youth on some deeply unworthy man. Shoot, that’s practically a way of life for most women.
I hope that your life becomes easier and less stressful. You are a unique and wise person. Roads not traveled blah, blah, blah. Mistakes are lessons blah, blah, blah. Have a glass of wine and call up a friend for a laugh.
And, maybe, if only you’d been happily married (as if there is such a thing) and had enough money to live comfortably, you might have been happily skipping down the street one sunny morning only to be mowed down and killed by a drunk driver. Who knows? But, remember, there is no Prince Charming (I knew I was right about your dream). And there certainly is no happy ending. We all end up exactly the same way. Dead. In the meantime, I’m sorry for your woes. You have more than your share right now.
I look at my life as a process of gaining knowledge – from a horrific childhood of neglect and abuse, to marrying a man of precarious mental health (but a creative genius) who became progressively sicker and more violent until he finally died, to finding my own way to take care of myself. And knowledge is freedom. I think you’re on the right path. It’s just really really hard sometimes. Keep truckin”.
If only I drank.
1) I’ve been clean and sober for many years now and can conclusively say that alcohol and drugs won’t make anything better.
2) What mjames said
3) problems worthy of attack / prove their worth by hitting back
I think I know how you feel. A lot of wrong turns that ended up on roads that just turned into muddy ruts in the middle of a forest.
You can only be yourself — unless you decide to be someone else for the sake of financial security, in which case you chain yourself to self-deception and compromise, to the spiritually exhausting task of trying to find contentment with someone who’s either too crazy or too lame to live what is, for lack of a better word, the examined life… I’ve been where you’re at… I AM there. Every day I second-guess decisions that seem, in retrospect, to have been life-altering, and not in a good way. But I’m glad I’m not with one of the women, or working one of the jobs, that might have turned me into a middle-aged slug.
Yeah, been there done that. I’ve had ‘if only’ thoughts too. If only I’d started and finished college right after high school, if only I hadn’t stayed married 10 years too long . . . I wouldn’t know the great people I do now, wouldn’t have two great kids, wouldn’t be reading the random observations of an insightful, compassionate and witty blogger.
I am sure this “silly season” of summer is no help….
All those experiences add up to who you are. (More Joseph Campbell needed, less Dwayne Dyer.) It adds up pretty well on you, even you can’t really see it now. Doesn’t pay the rent, but, it beats being a wretch.
I don’t see how you do it all, really. The past 6 weeks have been hard for me to hit the keyboard, because by discussing the events its almost like dignifying the stupidity of it all. But, you plow ahead and I know it has been very difficult.
You have been tackling the circumstances with all your strength, you deserve to be a little tired……
And…if only your thyroid issue had been found earlier…and if only had been treated by a doctor who really understood such hormone imbalances…then, maybe, you’d have been actually thinking differently about things for, oh, several decades.
But…not all thyroid problems are resolved easily. Mine are going into year 7 post-discovery (more than one doc had used the old TSH levels to declare me perfectly normal thyroidwise), and that came about only because my potential sinus surgeon discovered the nodules which led to a determination of papillary thyroid cancer.
Make an appointment ASAP with the good GP you’ve recently discovered.
I couldn’t stay in the great state of being –mind and body– that I achieved for only a short amount of time when my replacement thyroid hormones and some from my remaining throid tissues were working together, but, oh my, it’s my holy grail of well being and health that I’m trying to get back to. Bad Endo said I would never feel that way again.
Real energy, waking fully rested, clarity of decision making, and…sex drive.
My Good Endo has helped, but took me down by 1/7th of my intake, and I’ve gradually become so tired I can barely keep up with indoor work, much less outdoor upkeep. And I’m so tired it seems almost impossible to make the blood work appt I need to have. Weird. It’s almost as if I’m afraid there will be no solution indicated by the results so I’ve been avoiding them, and, I realized this week, getting more and more fatigued. When I’m so tired I can’t take the garbage for the morning pick-up, I know I’m really tired.
If only I’d been born with a normal thyroid and hormone interactions! I’d probably have been happily married…still with my job or a better one…. Heh. If only….
Oh, and if only I’d been born with a higher metabolism and no tendency to put on weight. And had genes to be taller….
I’m not making fun of your rumunations, Susie. I’ve been there and am there right now. But I’ve so clearly experienced the massive power of what our bodies do our sense of our selves and our minds (actually, of course, our bodies ARE out sense of self and mind) that, well, if only….