PLEASE NOTE: I did not write this. A writer named Liza Long did, at her website “Anarchist Soccer Mom.”
This is also very sad. And infuriating. Hey, let’s cut some more mental health funding!
Friday’s horrific national tragedy—the murder of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in New Town, Connecticut—has ignited a new discussion on violence in America. In kitchens and coffee shops across the country, we tearfully debate the many faces of violence in America: gun culture, media violence, lack of mental health services, overt and covert wars abroad, religion, politics and the way we raise our children. Liza Long, a writer based in Boise, says it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.
“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.
“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”
“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”
“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”
I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.
A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.
That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.
We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.
At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.
Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.
The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”
“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”
His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”
That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.
“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”
“You know where we are going,” I replied.
“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”
I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”
Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.
The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with… at what age did your child… were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced.. does your child have…”
At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.
For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”
By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.
On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”
And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.
I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am Jason Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’smother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.
According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman.Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.
When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”
I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.
With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011.
No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”
I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.
God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.
(Originally published at The Anarchist Soccer Mom.)
I am a recently retired nurse who is old enough to remember when we had State run facilities to care for our dangerous mental health clients. I was just telling a family member today that I too think we have denigrated our mental health system to the point where we ow lock our children in schools instead of these dangerous clients who need mental care in controlled environments.I fear what our misguided attempts at civil liberties have brought to us. With loose moral standards and violence rampant in our choices of entertainment what else could we expect.
There are no more mental institutions for the criminally insane in this country. So where are the mentally ill who murder people suppose to be placed if not in prisons? Inpatient facilities are not equipped to handle these offenders. Yes, we need better mental illness healthcare in this country, but violent offenders who murder whether ill or not have to be confined. Further, having guns in a home of a serious mentally disturbed person is asking for trouble. If I was Adam Lanza’s mother, I would never have given my son access to guns!
I do not believe that it is mentally ill people that commit these crimes. There is something much deeper than mentally ill. Regardless, if a person plans on committing such a crime they are going to do so with whatever they can get their hands on. Society needs to wake up and quit blaming disorders that so many people have and have not committed crimes. Let’s look at our judicial system?! Let’s look at how this kid was raised?! what I am saying is the way custody goes between divorced parents can really harm a child mentally. what kind of environment did he grow up in and around? People need to look into the beginning until the incident occurred and quit playing the blame game until a full investigation is done
You refer to schools as free babysitting. I wonder if you understand that teachers all over the country are having to deal with children like yours and teach the general population all at once. The last mentally ill child I had in my class was a kindergarten student. He tore my my shoulder apart and I needed surgery. His mother was in complete denial that there was anything wrong with him. Teachers are also the ones who are putting their students lives before their own when mentally disturbed children go into a school and start shooting. The country needs mental institutions again. Your son is a danger to himself and others and I applaud you for not letting him hurt himself or others. I do think that people who kill people need to be kept away from the rest of the population. Right now, that is jail. It is sad. I will pray for you and your family.
I totally agree with the writer that services are lacking and hard to secure for youth and adults living with mental illness. As a young women, I worked in a Los Angeles County boys group home and most of our charges were medicated for vaious disorders. These children came into the system because they were taken away from thier parents. I don’t know if they would have gotten any services if they were with their parents, but because of their situations, they were all identified as needing to be medicated. It was very sad and nobody loved these young boys. I can bet a majority of them are in prison today. We tried to give them a stable environment, counseling and give them tools to learn to cope with their lives. I do not know if any of our efforts paid off.
It would be great if all those who are suffering could get services for their needs. Mental health needs are huge and our society cannot continue to ignore this population. The mental hospitals of the past are gone and jail seems to be the place we can safely house this group of violent people. It is sad, but I do not see how our society can care for such a large population without a “jail like” feel. Violent people cannot be trusted and giving second chances often results in someone else’s suffering.
All I can say is God bless you and help you on your journey. I have no idea what the answer is but I hope you and your family find it. You will be in my prayers.
I feel for you. I have been through most of what you are going through. It started as a over active little boy. Tried meds, didn’t help. He did a stay in a short term hospital facility (5 weeks), and suggested long term. Michael cursed at me and my husband…not at others. Acted totally different around others. Gave teachers a hard time. He did a 6 months stay in long term, did 8 mts in a boys home. He will now tell you that’s when it clicked for him. If he didn’t obey, he’d never change and never have or be anything in life. He was labeled as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant disorder, and others. My Michael was explosive all so. Punched so many holes in his bedroom walls when he moved out, we had to replace the walls. At about 16 he and friends ran away, and held up in a hotel and did some simple arson. He never really was a liar and confided in me about what they had done. I turned him in and he did 5 weeks in a juvenile prison. Another boy tried to rape him while there. He also made treats of killing us. I have a son 10 yrs his junior and would actually have him sleep on the love seat in my bedroom and barricading the door. At one time I found a long knife he took from his old uncle. I took him to the therapist right away. One thing I know is their great master manipulators.
I actually felt abused by my child. I loved him with all my heart, and would not stop searching for help. I was never in denial about my sons issues or him being at fault for what ever. My Michael was also gifted, but because of behavior was never able to get the education he deserved.
I am proud to say Michael moved out on his own at 21 and has matured and been a active member of society. He is now 33, with a step son and a daughter. He is not working at the level he should be, but he’s working and supporting his family. He is so talented in so many areas. I’m pretty sure if he would not have had all these issues, he would have been a scientist.
What does bother me is Michael owns guns. Several guns. I’m against it. No one with the history my Michael or your Michael has had or does has should ever be allowed to own a gun. I really don’t think he’s the same person he was years ago, but for public safety, no one should take the chance with them.
I pray for you and your son that he realizes your not his enemy. My son and I have had talks and put all this pain behind us, now I have an incurable blood cancer with no cure or treatment.
Best wishes
I am sure there are some enviromental contributors to SOME of these mentally ill people who murder. And I probably thought alot like you MOMof3 before I met one of my best friends and SAW first hand that her life paralled this lady’s life. I wonder if you would have this same position if your child was mentally ill? You can’t put yourself there until you see it first hand. I can remember thinking kids throwing a fit in a store–geesh what is wrong with those parents…then I met my friend…and it was very eye opening.
You are wrong. Everyone has a tough time growing up. But we don’t all become mass murders. There is something not right in their heads, yes responsibility has to be taken, but I saw NO HELP for my friend or her son. The police couldn’t help her. The facilities are slammed. You do everything you can think of…then you sleep with your door locked at night.
I agree keeping a gun out of your home when you know someone is mentally ill, duh. But there is always that FIRST time that someone snaps. So if you didn’t know, what to do? Gun safety is the issue here, lock them up properly period.
The school system here was a complete waste, they were in denial. They had an incredible program at one time, then phased it out due to expense, trying to mainstream these kids into normal classes. Not fair to the other kids, or the teachers who are not trained to deal with a child like this, or paid enough to be abused daily or protect other kids from them. My friend KNEW this and desperately tried to help her son and others like him to no avail.
Parents in denial..you can’t help someone who doesn’t see.
But blame is not the game here….I think a wider pictures is being shown to people. Music, video games,divorce or bad parenting and tv did not make these mass murders do it. They have to have something wrong. And maybe a good look around to find a solution to help could be put on the table. I don’t have it, can’t imagine the scale it is needed but as our society continues to reproduce and take over every part of the world…there will always be more issues.
Thank you all for sharing. The first step is to admit what we see and share it with others. I don’t know what the answer is either, but I know a teacher of young children for 25+ years, I see a lot more these days than I used to see. Yes, it was there before, but it seems to be growing into the population more and more. These children with anger issues and behaviors that are so varied and difficult to handle are multiplying. I want what is best and frankly, I agree it is not prison, but where do we turn? Praying for answers.
I can remember my mother going tgrough this very senario with my younger brother. He used to bring explosives and knives to school threatening the students who bullied him the teachers that defied him and the principal who punished him. He was medicated for ADHD. Ut there never seemed to be enough help. I saw him as odd, figured he was gay and was fighting a lot of personal demons. By the time he was 16 my mom had to disown him for her own protection. He attacked her, made her miscarry a child by kicking her in the stomach, robbed her every chance he had and attempted to burn us all in our sleep. My brother was an uncontrolled monster. No social service, councelor, mentor or drug could control him. He was in and out of mental facilities and still is. He continues to be non compliant with his meds and sends hate mail whenever he feels he needs to be heard. As an adult he’s abusive and there’s nothing we can do but hide from him as he’s threatened to kill my mom and I a few times. The pokice wont do
First and foremost, I would like to say that I feel for you and what you are going through. I hope help can be found for your son and things will be so much better for you all. I do however want to respectfully ask that you do not throw labels out there such as Autism in respect to this kind of situation. Autism is not a mental health disorder. It is a neurological disorder and does not cause violent behavior such as this. As a parent of a child on the spectrum, I, along with so many others, have worked long and hard to make people understand what Autism is and this misuse of the label does nothing but set us all back. Thank you and again, I am very sorry for what your family is going through and will keep Michael in my prayers.
I truly feel anguish for all these moms who have dealt with a troubled child that leaves them in fear for their own safety, and that of their family. It is even worse to read and realize there have been no avenues of help for these families. I have listened to the analysis after each of these school-shooting events. My daughter wrote a paper on this subject some years back. Certainly there are some common factors…access to guns, possibly mental illness, usually boys, usually the teen/young adult ages, etc. But one factor that seems present in EVERY SINGLE CASE that I am aware of…is anger. The shooters are expressing anger. There may be different roots to the anger (bullying, loss of job, social isolation, parental/authoritarion rebellion). What our country needs is to take a serious look at anger, and while looking at the root causes….teaching ways to handle such strong emotions. I believe it is called emotional intelligence. For those with mental illness, they need especially intensive emotional guidance and teaching…which is maybe not out there, or not easily available. Maybe the anger link helps explain why most shooters are male. Do we not live in a society that encourages boys not to show emotion..no tears..no anger? Just tough it out?(I do not have a boy, so I can not speak directly on this). Then add the changes to the brain that repeated stress causes(certainly an experience felt when mentally ill)…similar to PTSD for war veterans. The brain truly rewires to be on constant fight or flight response. No time to think, no pause to use logic…just explode with deep and hard to control emotions. I realize sometimes a trigger to the anger may not be known even by the person feeling it. I also believe in a ban on assault weapons and high volume ammunition hoarding. At least then the danger is substantially ‘slowed down’. But until we address the issue of anger, at very young ages when we can help, and especially for the mentally ill, this problem is not going away.
Where is Daddy???????????
Part 2. If I had a son who had behaviors and problems like many of these posters have described, I guess I would try a few things. But first…keep in mind the changes to the brain that occur with repeated stress/trauma/fear/anger. The brain changes. PTSD is the term used in cases of war veterans. But, I think it affects many, many people who live in highly stressful conditions…not only the troubled child…but the parent..and usually the mom. The logic center(pre-frontal cortex) of the brain is no longer in charge. The fear/emotion center takes over (the amygdala). The brain CAN rewire, however. Here is an example of one woman’s story: cut and paste the link: http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/01/health/ecstasy-ptsd-1/index.html I am sure there are other ways…negative ion therapy, etc. Medications can only do so much…you need to find ways to rewire the brain pathways…it can be done…to get the logic center back in control. The other thing I would do is find someone or do the research on training of emotional intelligence. I would imagine that the responses to the first trigger of anger can be amended to keep the logic center more active, and prevent the amygdala(emotion/fear center) from being triggered…because once it is..it takes hours/days to recover. Maybe the threats of harm and killing are simply very extreme expressions of anger…reflecting that the amygdala is totally in charge. The brain can be rewired. It just takes the right environment, trained and knowledgable stewards, and a lot of time and vigilance. I do not pretend to know the fear and danger these families must endure, and my thoughts may not be applicable in many cases. I am sure there are cases where it is far too serious and advanced to see these things help. But, maybe these ideas will help a few folks out there.
I believe these issues relate to chemical imbalances caused from our diet and probably our air in most areas. The other big factor is that people are not teaching their children values like we used to.The Word of God gives a standard to follow and renews our mind to the truth, as well as gives ways to cope with hard issues.
The people that actually murder have to be influenced by satan himself and the only way to combat that is by taking our rightful place in Jesus Christ and standing against the evil schemes of the devil. If we don’t stand up he will take over. Praying for an awakening in the people of the USA before it’s too late!
As I read your story, I saw my life. I have gone through the same things for over 10 years now. My son started at the age of two. People blame divorce, environment and other things, but what many fail to realize, simply because they do not live with what we have, is that many are born this way. My son’s father as well as many of his father’s MALE family members have the same issues. I am a single mom who has explored every possible avenue to get him the help he needs. He knows how to manipulate the system and what he has to do and say to get what he wants. My three other children and I live in fear. We also lock and barricade doors. We have to sleep with one eye open. My children and I have a safety plan and as soon as he snaps, they put the plan in action. It is sad that people have to be afraid of their own child due to the lack of mental health help. My three other children and I have had black eyes, bruises, sprains and broken bones. He has bitten, kicked, punched, stabbed and hurt us all. He has tried many times to kill his self as well as us. He flipped out in a car and tried to choke my oldest child. I had to pull over on a major highway and get my other kids out so they could flag a car down for help. I was on the phone with the police and trying to help my daughter who was turning blue. It took the police 45 minutes to get there. There was blood. Thank God a car stopped. One passenger took care of my other children while the other passenger helped me get control. I am much stronger than my son but he is wearing me down. I am exhausted. This has taken a huge toll on our health. The police and counselors told me to let him get charges and then we could get help. Well at the age of 11, he got two felonies for having a knife in school. We still have no help or answers. He has been in and out of so many crisis beds, mental health facilities, residential treatment facilities etc. We as parents need help for our children who suffer from mental illnesses. My son’s father recently murdered a man. When I think about his father and all of these crimes being committed, I can see my son doing the same thing. When is there going to be help for the mentally ill and the parents?
Do you have any male relatives who can administer the azzwhooping he needs? The first time he laid a hand on you, you were well within your right to choke him within an inch of his life. You are hiding sharp objects in your home and living in fear of someone you gave life to? Really?
And no, you are not Adam Lanza’s mother because she was a self professed survivalist who stockpiled machine guns and food because she was preparing for Armageddon and taught her son to shoot because she imparted her wacky ideas on him. She trained him to be a killer and he obeyed her teachings and started with her.
I have worked with school children for 40 years. Of late, I have been very concerned with the middle school age child that displays what can best be describe as “lack of a conscience”. The child is very flat-lined when involved with serious anti social behaviors. There are other students that are despondent, just go through the motions of existence. Another type of student draws bizarre pictures of what should happen to people or animals or perhaps make allusions to killing or burning a building in such a way that you can’t be sure if it is a sick joke or a statement. These young people need intensive counseling in a live in facility. They need to be evaluated, observed, worked with. The school counselor is not the answer. A student may be there a few weeks, months, or longer. But until we reach out to these kids and help them, rather then passing them along. We need facilities and alternate placements NOW!
My son is 23 years old and I have spent most of his life living the same way the writer of this article has, complete with hospital stays and voilence. In my son’s case, he is also an alcoholic. I know what she says is true, no one wants to fund research or help to families that deal with mental illness. And forget about affording in-patient treatment for substance abuse. Perhaps if I had the wealth of Lindsay Lohan or some other celebrity I could send my son to the proper facility. Insurances DO NOT cover these services. Everyone is so concerned about paying extra for taxes. Mental health spending is usually one of the first to go. I refuse to have my son jailed just to make it easier for society to ignore his problems. At this point, all I can do is pray to a merciful God and not give up on my boy.
Teach the parents and people around people like Adam that there IS someone out there that can help, instead of sweeping mental health i
ssues under the rug FIND someone to TREAT it, who cares about a diagnosis, if the TREATMENT works USE IT. My son has anger issues, I know it, and the the last 4 years he has been in TREATMENT that is HELPING a lot. I don’t care if he is labeled as autistic, he’s getting help, I’m getting help. It didn’t find me, I went to 8 doctors to find someone that would treat it instead of medicating it away. I’m not saying it’s his parents fault, I’m saying that parents of these kids, and society around them need to find ways to help them before it’s too late. Instead of looking at me when my son is having a tantrum and thinking “What bad parenting”, people need to look into their hearts and the first thing they need to think is how can I help. Even if it’s just moving out of my way have some empathy, instead of judging me think about how you can help kids like him. It does not have to get to this point, EMPATHY and EDUCATION people, they can both go a long way….
I love my son but sweeping this under the rug isn’t the answer, I talked to a lady at his therapy who’s son had NO violent outbursts until her son turned 13, she said puberty turned her son into a monster, Doms therapy is helping her for FREE, they are making time every day to help him. There are people out there that will help, why don’t parents utilize it. I will never understand people who care so much about not letting their kids get “labled” and not about getting them the help as early as possible.
There are people who will help these children when they are young, so they don’t need as much help when they’re older. People need to stop ignoring it while they’re young, HOPING it will get better…. There aren’t a ton of clinics out there, but if you look you can find it… you just have to make the time.
Your son needs to be locked up. I hope you see that
Besides the proliferation of guns in this Country which must be addressed, I realize that many of these issues stated above that so many parents are faced with, require professional medical and psychological intervention and follow-through. There needs to be adequate funding and supervised control of these funds so that the children who are suffering from mental disorder and their parents may receive the treatment and the care that is needeed for them to live productive and responsible lives. Mr. President this is where you come in with a stimulus package that will specifically target so many children in need of immediate medical and psycological attention. If this issue is not adequately attended to, I am concerned that we will see more and more incidents of senseless mass killings. In addition, as a Country in a post-modern era, we need to bring God back into the center of our collective consciences as our parents and grandparents did in days gone bye and allow God to be immersed in our day-to-day experiences. This is an issue we cannot tackle on a purely human level, we need to pray to God for direction, guidance, protection and continued help to figure out this massive issue that we all face. We are all in this together as a people and as a Country.
If there were a God, he/she/it would not have created such disturbed and violent people.
(And so many of them, to boot.)