Face down in the moment

You were standing in the water but only up to your knees
But you know a strong current could always sweep you off your feet
You were waiting for the right time
But can it take so long while you’re
Face down in the moment waiting to let go.

https://youtu.be/n-0g2LKkm1Y

I was on vacation in Virginia Beach with my then-boyfriend, and the surf was rough from recent storms. I assumed it was just like the Jersey shore, but it wasn’t. When the first wave slammed into me, it knocked me under so hard that both knees were badly scraped and bleeding when I finally staggered to my feet. It was like being in a giant washing machine; I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t tell which way was up.

Obviously, I survived. But I’ve been wary of the power below the surface ever since.

The past two years reminded me of that feeling. Like most of us, I just didn’t know what to expect next. BAM! BOP! BOOM! I’m so wrung out! The remains of covid have transformed me from someone who had trouble sleeping more than four hours a night to someone who has trouble staying awake. I now take a minimum of two naps a day — sometimes even four. It’s really difficult to get things done, so I read and binge a lot of TV.

I don’t get as wound up as I used to; I don’t have the energy to spare. (I read years ago that the primary developmental task of middle age is to learn to accept paradox.) I do wish I could get back some of the time I’ve wasted, but it makes me more determined than ever not to waste any more of it on drama.

But there is a chapter yet to come, and I expect this year to play an important part. I hope the same for you.

Happy New Year!