Tales from the Hellmouth

Going Squirrelly

You want to know how I feel about that fucking squirrel, the one that hurls itself at my screen, craps on my deck table and eats my plants?

The same way Ahab felt about the whale.

I’m a nice person. Really, I am. Except for this fucking squirrel, which I would cheerfully rip out its throat with my teeth. However, since they carry rabies, I’ll have to come up with something else.

I was visiting one of my brothers yesterday when he referred to “the S-Qs.”

“What’s that?” I said.

“We spell it out. If we say S-Q-U-I-R-R-E-L-S, the dog goes wild.” My brother then proceeded to tell me how much he hates “those fucking squirrels,” how they try to eat all the bird seed, and how much he loves to see his dog go after them.

Finally. Solidarity.

One thought on “Tales from the Hellmouth

  1. I don’t mind squirrels, usually. Until a few years ago I had an apartment that had a nest of them in the attic. I think. Fleas (or something itchy), scurrying noises, and the musty smell of rodent urine. If it was rats, I think they would have come into the apartment and there would have been more gnawing of holes. I’ve lived in rat infested apartments, and this was different. Anyway, the landlord did nothing and I broke the lease early for other reasons, a few months after it started.
    Sometimes I would go on the computer and find sounds of red hawks or other predators and play them continuously at top volume for a while. They got quiet for a while, but otherwise they kept calm and carried on.
    PS, don’t put out bird seed. It just attracts rats and pigeons and all the parasites that they bring. Take care of nature, and let nature take care of its own critters.

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