Well, the biggest thing is that worrying about money all the time makes my brain harder to use, but my brain is the only tool I have. It is so difficult to concentrate now that it’s a major effort to accomplish the smallest things, like going to the bank or folding laundry. So yes, those studies are correct.
The work itself fries my brain, the constant reading that isn’t really reading, just scanning. Everything I do that’s work-related is very fast, and the scanning just makes the focus problem worse. You know how, when your PC isn’t working right, and you go into safe mode? That’s me. I’ve been living in safe mode for months, using the fewest possible mental resources.
And then we have the Primary Wars. (Dear God, deja vu all over again.) I have apparently banked no personal credibility at all in the past 13 years. I am a shill, a liar, a corporatist whore, a Blue Dog. Oh, and blinded by estrogen. Because as we know, white men don’t have identity politics.
All I want is I to finish writing my book. I think about it like a desert oasis, even dream about it. I’m so tired. I finish working at 9, 10 o’clock at night and I need to rest my brain. What can I do that I’m not doing? How can I fix this?
What if it can’t be fixed?