If you feel the drama coming on…
Category: Humor
Eric Cantor Excited To Continue Working For Wall Street…
After Rep. Eric Cantor’s (R-VA) stunning defeat in the GOP Congressional primary held earlier this year he quickly began to look for future employment. As luck would have it, it appears he’s found a job to fulfill his life’s work up until this point — working for Wall Street.
“It was really just the next logical step,” said Cantor in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post. “I’ve worked for so many years making sure Wall Street gets all the breaks as Main Street flounders, so coming to work for a giant Wall Street banking firm made perfect sense. Now I can put all my years of experience crafting the breaks into working with them hands on and benefit from the fruits of my labor from my time spent in the House.”
Cantor, a lawyer, doesn’t really have any experience working for an investment firm, but since he’s been on the back-end of so many breaks and subsidies, they feel he’ll be able to saunter into the role quite nicely while keeping his Washington connections.
In a final statement to FWP, Cantor stated, “I’m so excited to continue my work for Wall Street.”
What if
FYI: Satirical piece! Humor alert!
Georgia has become the first state in the union to legalize handgun vending machines.
In a ceremony today in Atlanta, Gov. Nathan Deal signed the Firearms Freedom and Accessibility Act (FFAA), which allows the sale of handguns in automated machines that accept cash, credit and debit cards.
The machines will be installed in grocery stores, convenience stores, bars, schools, airports and gas stations. They aren’t required to verify buyers’ identity and won’t perform background checks.
“Millions of people in Georgia lack access to quality firearms,” the governor said in a signing statement. “This bill will finally bring handguns from top manufacturers into every neighborhood and hopefully every household.Georgia has become the first state in the union to legalize handgun vending machines.
In a ceremony today in Atlanta, Gov. Nathan Deal signed the Firearms Freedom and Accessibility Act (FFAA), which allows the sale of handguns in automated machines that accept cash, credit and debit cards.
The machines will be installed in grocery stores, convenience stores, bars, schools, airports and gas stations. They aren’t required to verify buyers’ identity and won’t perform background checks.
“Millions of people in Georgia lack access to quality firearms,” the governor said in a signing statement. “This bill will finally bring handguns from top manufacturers into every neighborhood and hopefully every household.
“By helping more Georgians to defend themselves, we expect this bill to lower crime significantly. By the end of my second term murder, rape and armed robbery should be nearly eradicated.”
The new machines were developed by Blast-o-Matic, a local start-up based in Sandy Springs. According to the company, 50 devices have already been installed, and 300 more are expected to be rolled out in the coming weeks.
The legislation comes just months after Georgia significantly loosened its gun laws. In April, Deal signed a so-called “guns everywhere” law which allowed registered gun owners to take their weapons nearly anywhere, including bars and government buildings.
Casinos to laid-off workers: Happy Labor Day!
I was telling Swamp Rabbit about my Labor Day Weekend trip to Atlantic City, where three casinos are closing and more than 5,700 casino workers are being laid off over the next two weeks.
“Closed” stickers were slapped onto the Showboat’s front doors by security personnel at 3 p.m. yesterday. Just like that, 2,100 people were out of work. A stunned looking woman standing nearby told me she’d worked in the employees’ cafeteria for 25 years and was still hoping Caesars Entertainment, Showboat’s owner, would reverse its decision to pull the plug. Good luck with that.
The rabbit said he’s angry because the news media keeps assuring us the recession is over and unemployment is declining. “I was hopin’ to git me a job in the service sector,” he said. “At this rate, I won’t never be one of them high net-worth individuals.”
Showboat is the casino located closest to the $2.4 billion Revel, which was audaciously designed and built at the place where the ocean meets the Inlet. The sixth-floor casino has window walls overlooking the Boardwalk, beach and ocean.
When Revel closes Tuesday, thousands more will be jobless. In its casino yesterday, I strolled past the HQ nightclub and noticed that superstar DJ Scrillex was scheduled to perform Sept. 6. Tough luck, Scrillex fans. Take your molly somewhere else. An HQ employee told me she was hoping to hold on to her job for an extra week. This would allow her to miss the rush Wednesday, Sept. 3, when the newly laid-off will swarm the A.C. Convention Center to sign up for unemployment compensation.
Revel’s casino was far from crowded yesterday. It was hard to believe high net-worth individuals had thought a gambling venue so big and expensive — you’d have to see it to believe it — would succeed in today’s economy. In fact, construction of Revel ceased when the Recession hit and Morgan Stanley stopped bankrolling it. It’s partly thanks to New Jersey’s genius Gov. Chris Christie that Revel was completed two years ago.
“You should get all this shit in your book, Odd Man,” the rabbit said. “America wants to know.”
I told him America already knows about Revel and at this point is immune to — I should have said asleep to — economic disaster stories. But yes, there is plenty about Revel in my novel Good Sal/Bad Sal, including this passage, which mentions the construction scene in 2009:
…Salvy’s plan today was for us to stroll from Valhalla to G. Michael Mazilli’s office, at the end of the Pacific Avenue strip, in the South Inlet section, where the terrain is still bleak after 30 years of casinos and redevelopment schemes.
“Let me guess, your lawyer works out of a crack house,” I told him as we walked.
I could see the lighthouse and a few high-rises and the steel bones of Revel, the mega-casino project that was supposed to pull Atlantic City out of its death spiral by luring in an army of high rollers, as opposed to the usual busloads of geezers on Social Security who dominate at the other A.C. casinos, most of which are glorified slots parlors. Construction of the Revel stopped when the housing bubble burst and the Wall Street crooks stopped investing in commercial real estate. They won’t invest again in casinos, not unless they sense a critical mass of new suckers with real money to blow. The old casinos will be on their own, laying off workers left and right. And even if there is a Revel someday, it won’t generate enough business to keep all the casinos in business…
Jon Stewart on Ferguson
He’s back from vacation, and did a really powerful show based around Ferguson. I can’t get their embed code anymore, but you can watch all of it here.
Darryl Rhoades – I’m In With The Zen Crowd
Darryl Rhoades appearing on the short lived nationally syndicated show from the Turner “Superstation”, “Tush” performing “I’m In With The Zen Crowd” circa 1980 with Jan Hooks
Classic Hour – Three Sirens
Modern take on Homer’s Odyssey
Downed Facebook Frightened Millennials Into Thinking They May Need To Learn Social Skills
WORLD WIDE WEB — For a brief moment today, the world was without Facebook. It was terrifying for most, but for Millennials, it was a giant wake-up call.
For the generation who group up talking to each other through the internet, they were faced with the broad realization that they may actually have to face their peers face to face. Even the remote concept of this was enough for many to crawl under their beds and hide until their security blanket of social networking reappeared within an hour.
Millennials almost had to learn Social Skills — the skill of “facilitating interaction and communication with others.”
This group of young adults, raised in a world of technology, where they can hide behind the guise of a keyboard and screen, almost had to be, well… human… at least for a moment.
Some Millennials even peeked outside the window and noticed a bird sipping from a flower for maybe the first time in their adult life… for these things only happened in videos streaming in the palm of their hands.
Not to worry though, Facebook came back to life as Millennials breathed an audible sigh of relief. They quickly posted their ordeals of a Facebookless world on Facebook the moment it returned.
Crisis averted.
Hillary Clinton: ‘I’m Running’
Hillary Clinton responded to a reporter’s question about the 2016 presidential elections today by saying that she is running.
The surprise announcement came today at a public park about half a mile from the Clintons’ residence in Chappaqua, New York.
The Daily Currant‘s New York correspondent had been tailing behind Ms. Clinton on her morning jog around the neighborhood when he finally summoned the courage to ask the question on every American’s mind.
“Secretary Clinton! Secretary Clinton!” our reporter shouted. “Do you have time for a few quick questions about 2016?”
“Not now, I’m running,” Clinton responded.
“Okay, well, have a good day ma’am.”
Clinton later explained through an aide that the phrasing of her remark was just her way of making light of the intense speculation surrounding her presidential plans.
Coca-Cola Recalls 2 Million Bottles With The Name ‘Michael’
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Coca-Cola spokesperson Gabriella Sanchez announced in an impromptu press conference this morning that the iconic cola company is urgently recalling all twenty-ounce size bottles of the drink with the name ‘Michael’ on them due to “compromising of ingredients”. She went on to say that several customers had returned their drinks to stores and/or called the Coca-Cola customer service hotline after noticing their personalized bottles, with the name ‘Michael’ on them, had an odd taste.
“Several calls began to come in on Friday afternoon with customers complaining that their bottles of cola had an odd taste, all of which were part of our ‘Share a Coke With…’ campaign, and had the name Michael on them.” Sanchez announced to the unassuming press. “Naturally, we immediately launched an investigation on the issue and after thorough lab testing we discovered that the ingredients of a particular series of batches were compromised. Our investigation and research found a disgruntled employee, who is not being named due to criminal investigation, had been adding literal top soil – dirt – into her batches. If consumed, these bottles of cola are not necessarily considered dangerous so there is not cause for panic, but of course we do not want our very loyal and longtime Coke lovers ingesting this foul-tasting soda.”
Sources close to the situation, which requested to remain anonymous, leaked the story to a reporter about the case as early as Sunday morning, saying that a female employee, who was claiming sexual harassment by her supervisor, who just happened to be named ‘Michael,’ had ‘spiked large batches of the drink with top soil she had been bringing to work,’ via her purse. She did so after discovering that all batches she was put in charge of would be added to two-million 20-ounce bottles which would be labeled “Share a Coke with…Michael.”
