A chat with my mom

We sit down to have a chat
It’s “F” word this and “F” word that
I can’t control how you young people talk to one another
But I don’t want to hear you use
The “F” word with your mother.

“A Chat With Your Mom,” Lou and Peter Berryman

I was on the phone with my 82-year-old mother when I said, “Well, I’m gonna get off to watch the Bush speech. Of course, I have to masturbate while he’s on.” We both started laughing hysterically. She told me about a commercial for someone named Nicole (I think she meant Anna Nicole Smith) who’s selling a DVD of her “playing with herself.”

“She says women should play with themselves first thing in the morning when they wake up,” she said.

“Well, it’s not a bad idea,” I said. “But not if you have to get up and go to work.”

“Too much like exercise,” my mother said, ever-practical.

“What?” I said. “Big deal, so you might sprain your arm.”

Sometimes I can’t believe the things I say to people.