We sit down to have a chat
It’s “F” word this and “F” word that
I can’t control how you young people talk to one another
But I don’t want to hear you use
The “F” word with your mother.
“A Chat With Your Mom,” Lou and Peter Berryman
I was on the phone with my 82-year-old mother when I said, “Well, I’m gonna get off to watch the Bush speech. Of course, I have to masturbate while he’s on.” We both started laughing hysterically. She told me about a commercial for someone named Nicole (I think she meant Anna Nicole Smith) who’s selling a DVD of her “playing with herself.”
“She says women should play with themselves first thing in the morning when they wake up,” she said.
“Well, it’s not a bad idea,” I said. “But not if you have to get up and go to work.”
“Too much like exercise,” my mother said, ever-practical.
“What?” I said. “Big deal, so you might sprain your arm.”
Sometimes I can’t believe the things I say to people.
September 15th, 2005 at 11:39 pmSo Bush’s speeches do serve a useful purpose after all.
But they are so infrequent. I hope you have other sources of stimulation.
Actually, on second thought, I’m having a hard time imagining this — isn’t Dubya’s droning just about the worst thing a woman would want to jill off to?
September 16th, 2005 at 8:13 amSprain your arm? Wow… That’s some woman!
September 16th, 2005 at 11:34 amI had an old girlfriend who was not a morning person. to say the least. But waking up with her always made me amorous so… Eventually, one night during dinner, she said having sex first thing in the morning was better than a cup of coffee because her day started in a more relaxed and upbeat way. Created a monster.
How’d that jingle go? “The best part of waking up…”
September 16th, 2005 at 2:57 pmI gotta say I’m as baffled as Izquierdo on this one. I can’t imagine anything worse than that voice. And if I did succeed in getting myself off in spite of it, I’d fear some kind of Pavlovian effect whereby I’d get turned on every time I heard him speak. Or — worse — hear his voice in my head whenever I had an orgasm. That’s just too much to bear.
On the other hand, I guess I can see where it would actually help to have all that good hormonal chemistry circulating to sort of buffer oneself from the evil of it.
In any case, thanks for reminding me of that old song — The last verse is my favorite:
“There’s unsavory musicians
With their filthy pinko lyrics
Who destroy the social fabric
And enjoy it when they do
With their groupies and addictions
And poor broken-hearted parents
It’s from them I would expect to hear
The F-word, not from you”