How Many Chickens

Does it take to get a pap smear?

*This site makes no guarantees regarding the correct number of chickens for your procedure. Chicken count is an estimate only based on current market value of typical live chickens and average costs of medical procedures gathered from multiple sources. Your doctor may require more chickens than specified. For your convenience, we recommend bringing at least 20% more chickens than specified to any doctor’s appointment. For that matter, you should have at least 1500 chickens per passenger in your car in the event of an accident, so you could just use those if you’re a little short on chickens, but then be extra careful driving home from the doctor because you will have used up some of your accident chickens. Do not mail your medical chickens as payment. Please barter medical chickens in person. Chickens should be secured in your trunk or truckbed if possible. Any chickens riding in the passenger compartment on the way to the doctor must wear seat belts. Chickens should not drive you to the doctor, if you are unable to drive you should dial 911 for an ambulance. Ambulances may not accept chickens for payment, you should have at least 4 goats or an adult pig for such cases. Your healthcare provider may not accept chickens for payment, but many accept other livestock. The Chicken Calculator can not convert medical procedures to sheep, goats, pigs, ducks, cows, llamas, ostriches, etc. Check with your local livestock association for current exchange rates and providers.

10 thoughts on “How Many Chickens

  1. Can I bring dead, frozen Purdue chickens, or do they have to be living? (And btw, I think it’s unfair that they don’t tell me how many chickens I’ll need for my next prostate exam.)

  2. I love it! I’m all for the barter system (see my comment to your earlier post about this) but I can’t pass up a good chicken joke. (God bless JoAnn Worley!)

  3. For the record, the St Charles Bend Memorial Medical Industrial Complex used my wife as a laboratory rodent – a lab rat, a practice dummy – and I and my then ‘good’ insurance, which we can no longer ‘purchase’, as a cash cow. We were bankrupted, lost our home, divorced and went homeless for a while.

  4. ahem… oops –

    Yo! St Charles Bend Memorial Medical Industrial Complex…
    how many chickens does it take to use my wife as a laboratory rodent, a practice dummy, and I and my chickens a cash cow?

  5. Well, at more than 2 and a half million visits per day and 200 chickens per visit (suggested by Amato at AmericaBlog), the US would need all of the live chickens available in the US by about noon of the first day. Maybe China will loan us some of their chickens?

  6. There was a live-chicken place on Broadway (in Long Island City, Queens) but it closed 40-odd years ago. Can Islamic-halal chickens be used? There’s a place that sells live chickens a short distance from where I live but it’s an halal store.

  7. You know Susie, this idiot (what’s her name running against Reid in Nevada just might have a point). I recall that my mom used to remind us kids years ago that her folks did, in fact, pay for doctor’s bill and everything else using the barter system. This was in the early 20’s in Hope, Ark. when my mom said they used watermelons (Arkansaw is the watermelon capital of the world) for every expense. Chickens? Not so much.

  8. The point is, it’s not a real solution. It’s a stopgap measure. What do you offer an MRI center when you need a test?

  9. My grandfather actually accepted stuff like chickens in his dental practice in the 1930s. Why? BECAUSE IT WAS THE DEPRESSION AND NO ONE HAD ANY MONEY.

    But here’s the other thing about that — he was doing stuff like pulling teeth that had to go because the owners of said teeth were too poor to get fillings. These weren’t equipment-intensive or even very labor-intensive procedures. And because he didn’t have money, either, he was okay with getting stuff in barter.

    But that wouldn’t work today for several reasons:

    1) Your doctor or dentist still owes a shit-ton of money to Sallie Mae, and Sallie Mae doesn’t take chickens.

    2) Your doctor or dentist’s malpractice provider doesn’t accept chickens.

    3) Your doctor or dentist can’t pay their staff in chickens, and because they have to have several people to be on the phone all day with insurance companies trying to get them to pay them for services rendered, they have a lot more staff members today than the doctor or dentist of the Depression.

    4) The medical device manufacturers? Also do not accept chickens. Nor do the labs, or the landlords, or the professional associations. Medicine and dentistry are a bit more complex than they were back in the day. And while insurance is probably driving that, that means that the insurance is the problem, not the absence of chickens.

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