Fogged in

The meds are not working all that well anymore. The mood? Definitely regulated. (It takes a lot to upset me these days.) The focus? Not so much. I’m seeing the prescribing doctor today, I’ll see what she says.

The big problem for me is that I simply don’t want to write now. I mean, I want to, but I don’t feel emotionally connected at all when I do it. Even my blog posts are a little… abstract, and I’m not sure this tradeoff is worth it — that, and the potential damage to my neural pathways.

Because for a very long time, writing has been my primary means of emotional expression. Since I’m apparently not having many strong emotions right now, the drugs seem to have dried up that particular well.

Now, there are still some pluses. It’s a lot easier to stay on top of day-to-day maintenance stuff, and I’m a lot better about taking care of myself. I’m not as compulsive about blogging, which is good. And I love it that I no longer get all that upset about perceived slights, present or past. (It’s a plus that I’m not wallowing in the pit of progressive despair over the failings of the administration, right? Because despair is contagious.)

But is it worth it if I can’t write the way I used to, need to? Nope.

In any event, I’d already decided to be off the Wellbutrin by the fall, starting to gradually wean myself off by the end of the summer. Hopefully some of the newer habits will stick.

8 thoughts on “Fogged in

  1. “…not wallowing in the pit of progressive despair over the failings of the administration..”
    Obviously your reality testing has totally shut down, just when the debt limit deal is near. Biden couldn’t give away enough of the store, so they’re going directly to Barry. He pre-compromised by allowing McConnell and Boehner to frame the discussion, now he’ll destroy Medicare in order to save it. Hope he doesn’t use napalm, because I just got my card.

    Feel free to contact me for despair augmentation when the debt limit deal is announced.

    Take good care.

  2. Every day, you get to choose. So, now you’ve seen what this choice provides. You can choose. And you can change your mind and choose again.

  3. When you say that you are feeling less emotion, could that mean that you are feeling less pain? Maybe you are on your way to a degree of acceptance and less struggle.

    “Doctor, for forty years I struggled with reality, and finally I won.” Elwood P. Dowd

  4. I really appreciate your sharing your experiences on this. Gives me a lot to think about.

    BTW, just saw my new endocrinologist for the second time. She included testing for Vit D in my system, and found mine was pretty low.

    I drink a minimum of 12 oz milk a day, eat some cheese fairly frequently, a yoghurt every two to three days. Plus, you know, other foods. And I go out in the sun, albeit with my burned areas still covered up.

    I was at about a third of what my Vit. D levels should be, gleep. I’ll be taking 2000 units a day, with 50,000u two times a week. She guaranteed my hair would stop falling out, I would have more energy, and I would find losing weight easier.

    I’ll let you know what happens.

    I like this doctor; she looks at more than just my thyroid cancer. My previous endo told me, when I asked him about my fatigue, losing hair, etc., that he was my cancer doctor and I should see someone else for other issues. Now I can and am so glad to be done with him.

  5. Psychiatric drugs: Because everyone needs to stop thinking now and then. It’s your right as an artist to be miserable. Or maybe politics just isn’t your thing; you let it get to you too much?

  6. I won’t burden you with my latest thoughts on the administration, it’s definitely not the right time, although I like Adams’ term “pre-compromised.” Obama will go down in history as The Great Pre-Compromiser.”

  7. Yeah, David, I agree with you. I’d like to hear The Great Compromiser to curse a repub once, just once: you know something along the lines of, “Fuck you, McConnell, I’m the goddamned President.”

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