Excuses, excuses

So I’ve been writing down everything I eat for the past month (Excel spreadsheets are so useful!), trying to figure out the specific source of my unpleasant gastrointestinal woes. I was supposed to see this holistic specialist who puts everyone on a total elimination diet (my friend Maya was on the verge of throwing herself off a cliff when she did it), but of course the appointment I made four months in advance was on the day of the alleged blizzard last week and now I’m on the waiting list for cancelled appointments. Oh joy.

So I went to see my primary care doctor instead. Right away, he said, “Sounds like food sensitivities.” (Which was reassuring, because I can’t tell the difference between that and diverticulitis anymore.) I told him about the specialist, and how she puts everyone on a two-month diet of “nos”: No caffeine, sugar, gluten or dairy.

“I understand why she does that, but it’s a little extreme for most people to stick to,” he said. “I don’t think you have the attention span for that. Why don’t we do this instead? Cut out dairy for two weeks, and then we’ll cut gluten the two weeks after that. Those are the most common causes, and we’ll have some idea of what we’re dealing with.”

This seems a lot more doable, and I was pretty relieved he didn’t tell me to go off caffeine. If I don’t have my one cup of weak tea in the morning, I start falling asleep by 10:30 or so. Weird, right?

Caffeine is my secret weapon; I always keep a couple of midget cans of Coke or Pepsi around for emergency migraine repair. As soon as I start seeing migraine auras, I slam the cola and lie down with my eyes closed until it passes. Also good when I have really bad sinus headaches — I put the cold cans on my sinuses before I drink them.

Dairy does seem to be a major problem. Last week, I ran out of olive oil and had to cook my eggs with butter — not good. I’ve started using non-dairy creamer in my tea, which is awful, but at this point, the illusion of cream is enough. But dairy is in so many things, it makes me dizzy thinking about it.

I’ve finally admitted I can’t eat Chinese food, either. I don’t know if it’s the MSG or what, but it causes a general inflammation response — my knees hurt so bad, I could hardly walk upright for the past two days, and my hands and back really hurt. I’m much better today.

Next I’ll test Vietnamese food, maybe I’ll get lucky. I hope so.

And then, the gluten. That one will be hard; I love bread. And cookies, and cake. I went to this gluten-free bakery in the Italian market that everyone raves about, but the bread tasted like sawdust. It’s easier to do gluten-free goodies because you can load them up with sugar. That sort of defeats the purpose, though.