Category: Humor

Emotional weather report for April

~ odd man out ~ 3 Comments

…High tonight, low tomorrow, precipitation is expected.
– Tom Waits

Nature was at war with itself last month – solitary balmy days sandwiched by cold snaps with gusty winds, the sky still bright at 7:30 pm, but with temps in the thirties. I ran at dusk, watching the light shift as clouds rushed in, reshaping ordinary things into creatures I couldn’t trust, and vice versa.

The dinosaur up ahead turned out to be a mobile crane with steel jaws. The old woman scrubbing bed sheets was a chopper draped in a tarp that flapped in the wind.

The north wind hit me full force on Broad Street. I turned my head and saw THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS stenciled in gold on an impressive glass entryway and, on either side of the entryway, the words TAX TIME printed in big bold caps on tall cardboard signs. I guessed that Mormons had abandoned their South Philly mission to a platoon of accountants.

I turned west on Passyunk and saw the sky split in half, a big black cloud on the right, a pink sunset bleeding into clear blue on the left. Kanye West was on the corner, scolding black people for choosing to be slaves. Stormy Daniels stumbled out of Fatso’s Bar, followed by Donald Trump’s slack-jawed lawyer – Cohen, his name is.

My life passed before my eyes. Everything reminded me of past mistakes and false assumptions. The skinny old smoker outside 7-11 was at death’s door. Or would he outlive me by 20 years?

I stopped running and phoned my friend Swamp Rabbit. “It’s high anxiety,” I said. “You know any remedies?”

“Time,” the Rabbit said. “This time next week it might be 90 degrees. This time next year, or the year after, Trump might be making a deal to stay out of jail.”

“You can’t control what’s coming, so get a grip,” he added. “Get some new glasses, too.”

SNL: Baldwin’s Trump promises to take everyone’s (even whites) guns away

~ susie

Trump?!

Alec Baldwin got the last laugh once again after Trump attacked him on Twitter last week during SNL’s Cold Open: “In times like this we look to our leaders for guidance,” says Cooper, played by Alex Moffat. “But instead, we’ll hear from Donald Trump.” “I hear you and I care,” says “Trump,” referring to the Parkland… Continue reading “SNL: Baldwin’s Trump promises to take everyone’s (even whites) guns away” →

Trump’s plan to stop school shootings

~ odd man out ~ 2 Comments

Donald Trump thinks real life is reality TV, or an old cowboy movie. To counter the threat of more mass shootings in schools, he wants to issue guns to 20 percent of schoolteachers in America. The movie version of his idea should star Clint Eastwood as an octogenarian teacher:

FADE IN
Young wacko enters schoolroom toting a semi-automatic rifle. A teacher confronts him. The wacko squares off with the teacher while students hide under their desks.

WACKO (Smiling) This school ain’t big enough for the both of us, old man.
TEACHER (Smiling) Feelin’ lucky, punk? You better git while the gittin’s good.

Wacko raises rifle and aims. Teacher whips out concealed handgun and shoots wacko dead before he can kill any students. Skinny student emerges from under desk.

STUDENT (Shouting) You killed him, Mr. Callahan! You shot him with your gun!
TEACHER: (Whispering) I did, Johnny. You run along now and tell the principal the showdown is over. The rest of you boys and girls can go home now. Tomorrow I’ll get back to learnin’ you how to read and write.

Patriotic music swells. Credits roll. Teacher slips gun into concealed holster and puts on cowboy hat.

CUT TO:
Setting sun faces teacher as he strolls out of school and into parking lot, casting a long shadow.
FADE OUT

Trump’s defense: A house is not a hole

~ odd man out

Leave it to the worst U.S. president in history to bring the office down a few more notches by making this remark at a meeting about immigration last week: “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?”

The Washington Post reported the quotation, and that was that for a day or so, until it dawned on the dummy-in-chief that people outside his base thought his remark had been despicable.

So then, of course, he tweeted “…this was not the language used at the meeting.”

Democratic Sen. Dick Durbin, who was present at the meeting, rebuked Trump and added that the “shithole” remark was in keeping with the rest of what Trump had said to those in attendance: “He said these hate-filled things and he said them repeatedly.” And Republican Sen. Lindsay Graham, also at the meeting, more-or-less went along with the Post’s account.

But then, incredibly, Trump attempted to turn the shitstorm in his favor by trotting out two Republican lackeys — Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas and Sen. David Perdue of Georgia, both at the meeting — who reportedly said that our fearless leader had said “shithouse” countries, not “shithole” countries.

Scholars took note. The leader of the free world might have said “shithouse” instead of “shithole.” Untold millions had begun to wonder if Trump harbored cruelly racist feelings about poor, non-white peoples and was stupid enough to voice those feelings in front of congressional leaders at a meeting about immigration.

Thank God he cleared that up!

Sarah Silverman befriends her troll and pays for his medical care

~ susie ~ 1 Comment

Sexist Troll Attacks Sarah Silverman Online, And Her Response Reveals Horrifying Truth Behind His Anger

While Sarah Silverman is a comedian renowned for being unafraid of vulgarity, she recently showed her soft side to a Twitter user who insulted her over politics. Silverman originally tweeted that she was open to having a discussion with Donald Trump supporters about their differing political views on social media, should the opportunity arise; but despite her polite wording in the post, a Twitter user named Jeremy Jamrozy called Silverman a sexist… Continue reading “Sarah Silverman befriends her troll and pays for his medical care” →