A few nights ago, I had dinner with our blog host. I told her I’d lied to her about my life. No surprise. Living an artificial life and manipulating people all through life has caused me to trash everyone I ever met and loved. Currently (notwithstanding the advice of two friends that it was a bad idea to have someone move in for financial reasons), my “pay my bills” old boyfriend is leaving. Being economically at his mercy has been an awakening. I am now 12-stepping my way back, planning a trip back into therapy, and looking forward to getting real — whatever that means.
That night, I dreamed I committed suicide. I woke up and laughed: “Hah, a rebirth!”
Still, the Eagles song “Desperado” plays on in my head. Lyrically, it hits the mark.