Marco Rubio can’t even commit to a church

US Senator of Florida Marco Rubio

Yes, the senator Formerly Known As Mark is torn between two lovers. Probably because both churches account for a sizable number of Republican primary voters? Or am I too cynical?

As detailed in a report for Truth Wins Out by researcher Bruce Wilson, Rubio has been, in an act of meta-pandering, pretty much every kind of Christian there is. Follow this bouncing Jesus ball if you can: Rubio was baptized Catholic, cheated on the Catholics with the Mormons as a kid, but turned back three years later. Then he cheated on the Pope again sometime just before 9/11, for four years, with an insanely conservative Baptist church, but then he went back to Catholicism. But he never stopped two-timing the Virgin Mary with the Baptists. Make sense? Not really!

During his Protestant years, Rubio revealed in his 2012 memoir, he nonetheless “craved, literally, the Most Blessed Sacrament, Holy Communion” (of the Catholic Church.) So, the rising GOP star found a practical, buffet-style solution. Rubio divulged that on Saturday nights he brings his family to worship at Christ Fellowship, and on Sunday the Rubio family attends St. Louis Catholic Church.

He craved it! LITERALLY! This is probably because Catholic Jesus does this fancy thing where He turns the wine into His own blood during Mass, whereas the Baptists just have to suck on some grape juice and pretend it even counts. So we see that Rubio is in an open relationship with the Lord. He’s married to Catholic Jesus, from whom he gets his legislative inspiration, but he gets Saturday nights with the hot, demon-wrasslin’, gay-bashin’ young earth creationist Jesus, at the Christ Fellowship in Miami, to which he has reportedly given over $50,000 over the years.

If you have a streaming device, check out Amazon Prime’s “Alpha House,” in which a thinly-veiled veiled Sen. Andy Guzman is strongly suggestive of Marco Rubio. Great show.