Category: Humor

Stranger than Strangelove

~ odd man out ~ 2 Comments

I was back at the shack, beside myself with angst, reading to the swamp rabbit about a catastrophe that almost happened a half-century ago:

A secret document, published in declassified form for the first time by the Guardian today, reveals that the US Air Force came dramatically close to detonating an atom bomb over North Carolina that would have been 260 times more powerful than the device that devastated Hiroshima.

The document, obtained by the investigative journalist Eric Schlosser under the Freedom of Information Act, gives the first conclusive evidence that the US was narrowly spared a disaster of monumental proportions when two Mark 39 hydrogen bombs were accidentally dropped over Goldsboro, North Carolina on 23 January 1961. The bombs fell to earth after a B-52 bomber broke up in mid-air, and one of the devices behaved precisely as a nuclear weapon was designed to behave in warfare: its parachute opened, its trigger mechanisms engaged, and only one low-voltage switch prevented untold carnage.

I reminded the swamp rabbit that we live a hop and a skip from Philadelphia. The bomb might have wiped out Philly and the rest of the mid-Atlantic region faster than you could say “Duck and cover.”

“‘Almost’ don’t count,” the swamp rabbit said. He was drinking Wild Turkey and Coke, a rustic concoction that brings out the philosopher in him. “The Germans almost took Stalingrad. Dylan almost died in a motorcycle accident. What’s your point, Odd Man?”

I threw an empty bottle of Guinness at him and said, “The point is that real life is stranger than fiction. Even Stanley Kubrick, in Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, couldn’t have made up a story this strange. If not for one measly switch, that bomb would have gone off.”

The swamp rabbit gulped his drink, spilling some on his greasy coat, and said, “So what? If the bomb had gone off, then you wouldn’t be sitting here worrying out loud like some old lady with rheumatism. That was Kubrick’s point, don’t you know? In an absurd world, why worry?”

I watched the Guinness bottle bobbing in the swamp and said, “You stupid rodent. Dr. Strangelove was a cautionary tale. Kubrick was trying to wise people up to the danger of nuclear war.”

“Dr. Strangelove was a comedy,” he said. “Ain’t no way nobody like you could have done nothin’ about no nuclear war, not when the Cold War was on. You might just as well laugh. If you want to worry, then worry about where you’re gonna sell them stories you write. Worry about where you gonna git money for food now that there ain’t no jobs.”

I almost tossed him in the swamp by his ears but resisted the urge. What good is angst if you don’t have an audience for it?

George W. Bush Apologizes…

~ Boohunney ~ 5 Comments

The Daily Currant…

In an exclusive interview with Oprah at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, the normally confident Bush dropped his Texas-sized swagger and expressed contrition for not recognizing the threat sooner.

“To be honest with you Oprah, Bin Laden wasn’t really on my radar,” he explained. “I was so focused on Saddam Hussein that I couldn’t see anything else. My CIA guys would come in and say ‘Bin Laden’s prepping an attack,’ ‘Bin Laden’s prepping an attack,’ and I was pretty much like ‘Whatever. What do you got on Saddam?’

“There was a general lack of awareness. I’m pretty sure Condi Rice didn’t even known who Bin Laden was. I had heard of him, but he sounded like more of a two-bit criminal to me so I didn’t take him seriously. And that malunderestimation (sic) really cost us as a nation….

The most visible critique has been that of Bush himself for continuing to read the children’s book “My Pet Goat” to an elementary school classroom for seven minutes after an adviser told him “the nation is under attack.” But perhaps more significant were the multiple unheeded warnings from the intelligence community that Bin Laden was determined to strike inside the United States.

Before Sept. 11 the White House had held only two meetings on the issue of terrorism, yet managed to find time for six meetings with Enron executives. Upon taking office in January 2001, the Bush Administration threatened to veto higher funding for counter-terrorism efforts, and cancelleda top secret program tracking Al-Qaeda operatives within the United States…

“You know Oprah, I’m a changed person,” he replied. “I’ve rededicated myself to my faith. I’ve become a vegan, and I’m going to therapy, which has really been helping. I’ve learned how to accept my failures and limitations. I wasn’t the best president, but that’s OK. I’m just working on trying to be a great husband and a good father. If I can do that I’ll be at peace with myself.”

Bush served as U.S. president from 2001 to 2009. He previously served as governor of Texas and co-founded an oil company that went bankrupt with one of Osama Bin Laden’s older brother.

 

I don’t see color. Obama looks just like Bush.

~ odd man out

I was back at my shack in Tinicum swamp, eating pizza and reading the Obama administration’s rationale for bombing Syria. It passes the “common sense test,” an aide said. I don’t know how Barack Obama is defining common sense, but Tom Paine must be spinning in his grave.

Then I read this, from AP:

The U.S. government insists it has the intelligence to prove it, but the American public has yet to see a single piece of concrete evidence – no satellite imagery, no transcripts of Syrian military communications – connecting the government of President Bashar Assad to the alleged chemical weapons attack last month that killed hundreds of people.

In the absence of such evidence, Damascus and its ally Russia have aggressively pushed another scenario: that rebels carried out the Aug. 21 chemical attack. Neither has produced evidence for that case, either. That’s left more questions than answers as the U.S. threatens a possible military strike.

“Neat trick,” I said to the swamp rabbit. “Obama has turned himself into George W. Bush. This is worse than Libya. It’s the Iraq war scam all over again.”

The swamp rabbit was on the windowsill, leafing through the September issue of Vogue. “And this surprises you?” he said. “You got a lotta nerve calling me stupid.”

I threw a piece of pizza crust at him. It sailed over his head and into the swamp. I hate when the swamp rabbit is right.

Obama’s recent war dance made me think of Stephen Colbert’s recurring joke about race. He looks at the camera and in the solemn tone of a dewy-eyed liberal says something like, “I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I don’t get frisked.”

I don’t see color either, not when it comes to politics in that swamp called Washington, D.C. From where I sit, out here in my swamp, Obama looks just like Bush.