Australia…

A Brisbane man has died of dehydration today after refusing to consume water following the revelation that technically water is halal certified.

Forty two year old Brisbane local Keith Sheen, a noted opponent of what he believes Halal to mean, brazenly refused to consume water or any drink containing water to protest Halal certification. He also vocally expressed his outrage that two-thirds of the planet he inhabited was composed of what he called ‘the Muslim liquid’.

His body succumbed to dehydration earlier this morning.

Mr. Sheen had previously complained about products in his local supermarket containing dietary information such as Halal certification.

“Why should I have to look at that when it doesn’t apply to me,” Mr. Sheen once wrote to his local newspaper. “It’s the same with these peanut allergy warnings. I don’t personally have a peanut allergy so we should get rid of them for everyone. It’s only fair.”

“You know what harm it does me to look at Halal certification? None at all. But what if the answer was ‘some’? That would be unacceptable.”

Sheen insisted that his objection to Halal certification was not on the basis of racism or anti-religious bigotry, claiming he was not personally a racist but just “said racist things and acted in a racist way all the time”.

http://youtu.be/BAfCES83uA4

Free Wood Post…

After Rep. Eric Cantor’s (R-VA) stunning defeat in the GOP Congressional primary held earlier this year he quickly began to look for future employment. As luck would have it, it appears he’s found a job to fulfill his life’s work up until this point — working for Wall Street.

“It was really just the next logical step,” said Cantor in an exclusive interview with Free Wood Post. “I’ve worked for so many years making sure Wall Street gets all the breaks as Main Street flounders, so coming to work for a giant Wall Street banking firm made perfect sense. Now I can put all my years of experience crafting the breaks into working with them hands on and benefit from the fruits of my labor from my time spent in the House.”

Cantor, a lawyer, doesn’t really have any experience working for an investment firm, but since he’s been on the back-end of so many breaks and subsidies, they feel he’ll be able to saunter into the role quite nicely while keeping his Washington connections.

In a final statement to FWP, Cantor stated, “I’m so excited to continue my work for Wall Street.”

FYI: Satirical piece! Humor alert!

The Daily Currant…

Georgia has become the first state in the union to legalize handgun vending machines.

In a ceremony today in Atlanta, Gov. Nathan Deal signed the Firearms Freedom and Accessibility Act (FFAA), which allows the sale of handguns in automated machines that accept cash, credit and debit cards.

The machines will be installed in grocery stores, convenience stores, bars, schools, airports and gas stations. They aren’t required to verify buyers’ identity and won’t perform background checks.

“Millions of people in Georgia lack access to quality firearms,” the governor said in a signing statement. “This bill will finally bring handguns from top manufacturers into every neighborhood and hopefully every household.Georgia has become the first state in the union to legalize handgun vending machines.

In a ceremony today in Atlanta, Gov. Nathan Deal signed the Firearms Freedom and Accessibility Act (FFAA), which allows the sale of handguns in automated machines that accept cash, credit and debit cards.

The machines will be installed in grocery stores, convenience stores, bars, schools, airports and gas stations. They aren’t required to verify buyers’ identity and won’t perform background checks.

“Millions of people in Georgia lack access to quality firearms,” the governor said in a signing statement. “This bill will finally bring handguns from top manufacturers into every neighborhood and hopefully every household.

“By helping more Georgians to defend themselves, we expect this bill to lower crime significantly. By the end of my second term murder, rape and armed robbery should be nearly eradicated.”

The new machines were developed by Blast-o-Matic, a local start-up based in Sandy Springs. According to the company, 50 devices have already been installed, and 300 more are expected to be rolled out in the coming weeks.

The legislation comes just months after Georgia significantly loosened its gun laws. In April, Deal signed a so-called “guns everywhere” law which allowed registered gun owners to take their weapons nearly anywhere, including bars and government buildings.